BERKELEY, Calif. — Polyamorous man Rick Walcott is reportedly enlightened and open-minded enough “to love multiple people” but instead chooses to love only himself, according to several equally unimportant and neglected sources close to the situation.
“I have the ability to appreciate and care for all kinds of people, unlike boring monogo-monsters,” Walcott said, staring into a mirror and practicing his smile. “Some people — people like me — are just capable of breaking through that centuries-old paradigm to serve a higher purpose. But… it takes a certain kind of man. A man so profound — so great — that he can develop feelings for more than one attractive woman at a time.”
Walcott grew incensed when asked about the concept of commitment.
“You one-bedders are funny,” said Walcott, simultaneously ignoring several text message conversations. “Not as funny as me — I do stand up sometimes — but it’s funny you think commitment means staying with one person. I’ve been committed to my Instagram series #FacesOfMine for months.”
“Look it up,” he added. “Now. Seriously. Go to the search bar and type in @ThePolyKing. I have the best memes. Actually, put that in your article. It’s @ThePolyKing.”
Like a mix of The Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s practical guide to polyamory, and To Be The Man, the infamous wrestling legend Ric Flair’s self-promoting 2004 autobiography, Walcott continued to deride this reporter for asking simple questions.
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“You’re crippled by your insecurities and jealousy,” Walcott accused. “But not me. I mean, seriously — what do I have to be jealous of? Look at me. Look at these alligator skin shoes. They cost more than that fancy microphone you have in my face.”
But several sources within Walcott’s convoluted hierarchy of lovers had a different perspective.
“Yeah… I’m saw him bragging on Twitter about how he can ‘handle having three girlfriends,’ but I’m not sure if that includes me, since haven’t spoken in over 6 months,” admitted one former partner, placed on Walcott’s “lower” level of love that doesn’t allow for cuddling over five minutes. “The last time I reached out, my grandmother died, and I needed some support. He just sent me a selfie with a sad face and talked about his new idea for a YouTube series on ethical non-monogamy, and how he’s going to be famous.”
Walcott cut the interview short to tweet about how his “vegan cum tastes better.”
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