Pansexual CrossFit Enthusiast Primarily Attracted to Attention

LANCASTER, Pa. — Self-identified pansexual and CrossFit enthusiast Katie Jacobs informed a number of unsuspecting team members during her gym’s monthly CrossFit Games of her newfound sexual identity, according to multiple sources.

“Katie just walked right onto the mats, immediately shut the music off, and said she had an announcement,” said gym member Jennifer Barkley. “It was 30 minutes of how her sexuality has always confused her, and how important her sexuality should be to all of us — and then she opened the floor for questions.”

Witnesses confirmed Jacobs spent the majority of the day wandering in and out of other competitors private conversations.

“People are so closed-minded about who they can love,” the 22-year-old Fine Arts major allegedly said, unprompted. “Man, woman, gender-queer, non-binary, trans, cis, or any other expression or identity, I believe I could fall in love with anyone, as long as they text first every day and have a decent social media following.”

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Jacobs later berated participants for their ignorance. “A lot of people don’t realize how many celebrities are pansexuals,” said Jacobs before posting a series of bench presses to her Instagram. “Miley Cyrus, some YouTube vloggers… hold on. I’m sure there are more. Let me Google it again real quick.”

Jacobs’ partner during the games, cis white male Derek Grant, was caught off-guard.

“We met at the gym a few months back and really hit it off. I thought she was my girlfriend but in her post-deadlift lecture she explained how monogamy was a modern form of slavery. She’s meeting my parents this weekend though, so I don’t really know whats up,” said Grant, standing alone on the back porch. “Maybe I should have seen it coming. She always asks if I’ve seen her Instagrams if I didn’t like each one.”

Shortly after being shot down for a congratulatory kiss with a woman for completing a peg board circuit, Jacobs sat on mats, blocking a water station to scroll numbly through her OKCupid messages.

At press time, Jacobs was explaining to whoever would listen that she also identifies as poly, “though [she’s] currently single.”

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Article by Brendan Krick @barndogkarck.


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