SPOKANE, WA – For many, working a 9-5 office job is the epitome of “selling out” and moving on to adulthood. However, local punk Maria Ochoa is defying convention and silently subverting the capitalist system in which she works by wearing Vans® to work every day.
“I refuse to let this job suck the soul from my body like so many Dementors,” said Ochoa, sitting cross-legged with her sneakers’ signature waffle-sole design plainly visible to all passersby. “Don’t get me wrong, I need this job. But you better believe I’m going to slowly but surely bring this whole motherfucker down from the inside every opportunity I get. My business casual is next level casual — weekend casual.”
Of the many subversive activities Ochoa initiates on the company dime, the most essential is her insistence on wearing black-and-white checkered slip ons made by Vans, a wholly owned brand of the VF Corporation. “If you think that’s where my long-con plan ends, you’d be dead wrong,” spat Ochoa. The four-year employee also subtly undermines her employer by refusing to change the break room coffee filter, wearing a Nerve Agents t-shirt under her work shirt, and using extended bathroom breaks to post on music forums.
“That’s right — every bathroom break costs my boss about $1.79. That’s 32 sheets of paper. Sucker,” Ochoa said, ignoring the empty water cooler jug outside her cubicle.
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“Maria is an exemplary employee,” said regional manager Pete Twombly in Ochoa’s annual review. “Of all the members of our team, I think I have to worry about Maria the least. She simply gets the job done,” said the “milquetoast pawn,” unaware that his lead employee flips him the bird under her desk every time he walks by.
“Oh, I definitely get the job done,” Maria said while hopelessly tangling a wad of paper clips, “but that’s just so they think they have nothing to worry about, so I fly under the radar. Meanwhile, I’m telling Tanya that Joe ate her yogurt, or subtly slipping Aus Rotten lyrics into my PowerPoints. Then I just sit back and watch the whole thing burn down around me.”
“It’s almost TOO easy.”
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