Metal Lyricist Struggling to Find Right Word to Rhyme With ‘Maggot-Ridden Anal Contusion’

SHREVEPORT, La. — Goat Cadaver frontman and lyricist Jake Reid reportedly hit a wall in his songwriting process late last night after struggling to find the right words to rhyme with “maggot-ridden anal contusion,” according to sources.

The song, titled “Dormant Desecration,” was written by Reid and his bandmates in one sitting at a recent practice. While the rest of the piece came together with relative ease, the line in question (which refers to a quickly rotting injury located on the anus of an unknown corpse) proved less than effective.

“Everything else just ran like clockwork. It was pretty amazing,” Reid said. “Like, of course a phrase like ‘slippery innards’ is gonna get paired with ‘bound the bitch and skinned her…alive.’ But the whole anal contusion thing? I don’t know, dude. It just totally evades me. I need to paint a picture with my words. If our fans can’t imagine the misshapen maggot infested anal cavity I’m describing, I failed.”

While Reid noted a few ideas have come close, he also added that “every-fucking-thing” he thinks of seems to fall just short of what he hopes to achieve with the piece.

“If I wanted to, I could probably rhyme ‘anal contusion’ with ‘faceless exclusion…’ or maybe ‘staunch dissolution.’ Or, hell, even just ‘banal confusion.’ But it just doesn’t feel right,” he said. “I mean, it’s about a dead dog I saw on my way home from Kroger last week, but it’s not just about that. I want people to find a deeper meaning in our lyrics. I want them to experience the levels.”

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Reid isn’t the first death metal lyricist in Northwestern Louisiana to have difficulty finding the right words. Upon hearing of his struggles, he was offered an empathetic consolation from “retired” SERPENTCHOKE lyricist, Derek “Death Punch” Dikkers.

“Oh, yeah. Been there, done that,” Dikkers said. “Sure, it seems real easy, but I’d like to see just any motherfucker find a way to join the phrase ‘bloated horse cunt’ with ‘pus-filled abscess on the face of your nightmare,’ and have it not sound totally contrived. Good fucking luck with that, buddy!”

With no resolution in sight, Reid is planning to visit his local library for both a rhyming and illustrated medical dictionary, the latter of which is “just for inspirational purposes and stuff.”

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Article by Krissy Howard @PeopleFoood


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