SILVER SPRING, Md. — Local punk Jeremy Henderson realized he’d been duped into eating at a vegan restaurant moments after sitting down to dinner with friends, multiple sources confirmed.
Shortly after ordering drinks, Henderson noticed the menu at the Happy Swine contained nothing remotely appealing to his heavily carnivorous sensibilities.
“The place labeled itself as a barbeque joint, and had a giant, smiling pig for a logo, so I figured the meat wasn’t factory farmed, or there was a butcher on site, or something,” said Henderson, still coming to terms with his plant-based dinner. “I guess the pig is smiling because nobody is trying to kill it. It’s just sitting there, taunting me. What the hell is ‘vital wheat gluten?’”
Henderson’s friends have all claimed they thought everyone knew that Happy Swine is a vegan establishment.
“I guess he didn’t really pay attention in the group text, because I made it explicitly clear my vegan cousin was in town and I wanted to take her to a place that had the most options for her,” said dinner party host Luke Prescott. “When Jeremy saw all the tofu based dishes, his head almost exploded.”
Henderson believes the establishment and others like it should warn guests before they sit down.
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“They should have mentioned it before we ordered beers. Now I’ll look like a dick for leaving,” said Henderson. “Places like this really need to have something on the signs so people like me aren’t tricked into eating a bunch of shrubs sprinkled with quinoa or whatever.”
The Happy Swine’s lack of vegan signage has fueled healthy discourse around restaurant ethics in the neighborhood.
“The menu offers a ‘bacon cheeseburger,’ but it contains no pork, no cheese, and no beef. That is simply false advertisement,” said neighborhood local “Big” Jimmy Palmer. “They’re lucky they have a basket of bottomless fries, or I’d report them to the Better Business Bureau.”
As of press time, Henderson had excused himself from the table to eat scraps from a bag of Oberto beef jerky that fell between the seats in his car three weeks prior.
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Article by Dan Luberto @TheDanLuberto. Photo by Kat Chish.