LONG ISLAND, NY – Local punk David Murphy has made an annual tradition out of disappointing his father on Father’s Day, but with a new man in his mother’s life, Murphy now has the opportunity to upset a stepfather as well.
Carly Murphy, the mother of “the most goddamn disappointing son in the world,” has always reminded David of the holiday and offered him $60 annually to “get something nice for your dad.””. Given the quality of gifts, most of the family feels that a majority of the money is left unaccounted for.
“Yo, fuck that, Mom gave me the money to spend it how I wanted to spend it,” said Murphy from his bedroom. “I got my dad Tic Tacs a few years back because his breath always smells like ass. Trust me, he needed it.”
Steven Murphy described some of the gifts his son has given over the past few years: “I always want to spend more time with the kid, so last year on Father’s Day we spent four hours at the police station when I had to bail Dave out for throwing rocks at the courthouse. That was a lot of fun, let me tell you. The year before that he stole a mug from his geometry teacher to give to me and got suspended for three days. I do love coffee, so it was kind of a thoughtful gift.”
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This year, with the arrival of a stepfather in Murphy’s life, the stakes are even higher. Preparations for the impending disaster have included the allotment of a larger budget from his mother.
“Normally it’s pretty easy to upset my dad, but ever since my parents divorced and Doug moved in, I’ve really needed to step up my game. I was thinking about framing a picture of his bald spot and giving it to him, but that’s too expensive,” said Murphy.
Every projection of this upcoming Father’s Day appears quite grim. Sources close to the situation report that the 16-year-old Murphy expects to inform his family that he has officially dropped out of school.
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