Hardline Straight Edge Kid Wakes From Coma to Unplug IV

BRYN MAWR, Pa. — Doctors report hardline straight edge kid Cody “Tonks” Tonkinson awoke briefly following his sixth day in a coma to remove the IV from his arm before immediately slipping back into unconsciousness.

Documents show Tonkinson suffered diabetic shock three days after giving up all sugar and tropical fruits, which he claimed “are more addictive than cocaine,” triggering the coma.

“It’s like his blood knew these doctors were trying to get him to break edge, and told his body to do whatever it had to do to rip out the IV,” explained Nicole Levins, Tonkinson’s girlfriend, to a crowd of friends during visiting hours.

“We did everything we could to make sure the nutrients pumped into Cody were vegan,” said local activist and longtime friend Johnny Mayer in a Facebook update. “It’s just tough finding nutrition labels for those things. As of right now, we know none of the IVs at the hospital contain any meat or dairy, so that’s a start.”

Head doctor Carter McConnell admired Tonkinson’s dedication. “It was truly a testament to his convictions,” Dr. McConnell said. “We see this more often you might think from these hardline guys. We were bracing for the worst when we heard him cough and say ‘…poison free.’ I still wish he’d do better to mind his blood sugar levels, but… I get it,” he added before rolling up a pant leg to reveal a Gorilla Biscuits tattoo.

Tonkinson’s mother, Leslie, sat by her son’s side daily, recounting stories of when he first chose a vegan straight edge lifestyle.

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“This is just like him,” said Mrs. Tonkinson from the foot of the hospital bed. “I remember when he was 16, he refused painkillers when he got his wisdom teeth removed. He wouldn’t even take an Advil — he just kept crying and pointing to a shirt that said ‘Kill Your Local Drug Dealer,’ then pointing at me.”

If Tonkinson should take a turn for the worse, those close to him claim he’d prefer cremation over burial so as to not disturb the lives of the worms and ants living beneath the Lower Merion Baptist Church.

Article by Ray Gordon @RealJoshGroban.

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