CALGARY — Anna Kempny purchased a variety of oversized mason jars late last week at a nearby Bed Bath & Beyond to better organize a collection of smaller mason jars scattered around her apartment, according to multiple witnesses.
“I fuck with jams and jellies as much as the next guy, but it’s getting a little ridiculous,” Carter McNeill, 29, said of his girlfriend’s heightened interest in food preservation. “Like, last month she told me she was gonna bake me a cake for my birthday — which is awesome — but it was one of those jar-cakes with different layers of dry ingredients.”
McKayla Tortorella, Kempny’s friend who initially introduced her to canning during a trip to Chicago, defended the use of monstrous mason jars in the home but admitted Kempny’s obsession may have risen to extreme levels.
“When she came to visit, she saw that people love pickled shit,” Tortorella said. “Sweet peppers, carrots, celery, whatever. So I gave her some of my cousin’s leftover homemade giardiniera, because I think that stuff’s nasty, but she fell in love. Seemed innocent enough, but now, I’m seeing these giant jars on Instagram, and it’s a little eerie. Like, ever see that one X-Files episode where they catch that mutant Chernobyl sewer monster? That’s what her massive cauliflower jars look like.”
Kempny vehemently denied anything was wrong with her jarring habit, despite its escalated state.
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“I don’t see what the harm is… canning is a fun, environmentally-friendly hobby and my apartment has never looked better,” Kempny said while scrolling through Pinterest. “Those bigger jars I just got are only the beginning. I’ve got big plans for the future, and I don’t plan on stopping now.”
Fixated on a giant greenhouse-like mason jar structure found on a commercial farming website, Kempny revealed her long-term mason jar goals.
“Oh, yeah,” said Kempny, visibly salivating at the site of an 8-foot-tall screw-top glass structure designed by Canadian agricultural scientists. “We’ll have enough mango chutney to last six winters.”
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