DALLAS — The FBI’s Hostage Rescue Team was condemned by civil liberties advocates today for their “needless use of force” in removing the many-membered music group The Polyphonic Spree from the band’s Texas base of operations, according to officials.
“Our team had good intel from the band’s official Facebook page that they had imminent plans to leave the country,” said FBI investigator Samantha Brown of the seven-week effort. “Something they internally referred to as a ‘World Tour’ — probably to brainwash and recruit more members. We had to act fast to get these musicians home to their worried families before it was too late.”
Federal investigators were surveilling Polyphonic Spree leader Tim DeLaughter, long known for recruiting down-on-their-luck vocalists in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, for over two years. Some experts feared his legions were now well into the hundreds.
“Initially, we attempted nonviolent methods to draw them out. We played Mongolian throat singing, an all-tambourine concept album, and we even had Zach Braff try to talk some sense into them,” said Brown. “But they just kept singing to themselves and doing some weird hand-clap dances with disgusting positivity. That’s when we switched to traditional tactics.”
What followed, according to witnesses, was an onslaught of cut utilities, forced entry, beanbag cannons, and crowd-control chemicals to flush the band out. Civil rights advocates claim the band did nothing to warrant such violence.
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“The Polyphonic Spree just wanted to make the world a better place, with a fun, unique, choral-rock experience,” said ACLU spokesperson Jim T. Fox. “I mean, the way they dress does make them look like a bunch of wackadoos, but they seemed nice when I saw them on Conan.”
Despite the criticism, FBI officials maintain their use of force was justified.
“Every group of robe-wearing predators insists they’re on a peaceful mission. But we are sure they’re hiding something,” said FBI spokesperson Jonathan Liverton. “Every cult is like that — even ones featured on a startlingly high number of film soundtracks.”
Medical staff on scene report that all accounted members have suffered only moderate injuries.
“We have 28 Polyphonic Spree currently members in our care, but we worry more may be trapped under debris. Unfortunately, nobody in the band knows for sure how many people are in it,” admitted first responder Clark Woods.
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Article by Kyle Erf @KyleErf.