SOMERVILLE, Mass. — The long awaited reunion of seminal Northeast emo outfit The Silver Hour, taking place at the Somerville VFW last Friday, ran into an scheduling conflict as the bar area of the venue was also the site of an impromptu reunion of high school bullies.
“I was shocked, I was terrified… well, more terrified, to be honest,” said Silver Hour guitarist Scott Sawyer, desperately trying to fix a wedgie. “The last thing I expected tonight was that prick [Dave] Ellison knocking my glasses off my face again.” Ellison, Sawyer’s tormentor through most of middle and high school, achieved minor fame in bullying scenes for his work with Sawyer from ’03-’08.
More than half of the VFW patrons say they were “not displeased” with the scheduling mishap. Jason Doherty, a local sheet metal worker and longtime bullying enthusiast, praised the surprise guests, who turned an otherwise uneventful band reunion into a relative cornucopia of insults, noogies, and outrageously false claims of sexual conquest.
“I liked the part where they stuffed that one nerd into the bass drum,” Doherty said. “And, dude — they made that bass player kid say he smells his own farts. That was classic!” Doherty later added, “It was a good thing that Paul Reilly kid finally admitted to loving the smell of his own farts.”
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“Emo really peaked in the early ‘00s,” bully historian Blake Cotto explained. “Geeks, nerds, spazzes, all seeking ways to feel cool… it’s only natural that bullying of those kids crested shortly thereafter.”
After highlighting his own many achievements as an all-conference high school tailback, Cotto added, “Playing keep-away with a backpack, stealing some loser’s cardigan and rubbing your balls all over it — that’s the sort of ‘classic’ bullying you really don’t see anymore. Internet kids have no style. I’m glad such experienced bullies got back together for the hits we all know and love.”
As of press time, The Silver Hour was unable to answer why they kept hitting themselves.
Article by Ryan Harnedy @ArsonDaly.
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