Drummer Keeps Breaking Up with Band for the Make-Up Practice

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Members of death metal band Bastard Death Satan Machine believe their drummer has been intentionally sabotaging their band’s relationship to fuel passionate make-up practices, according to internal speculation.

Fellow band members allege drummer Kyle Davis most recently started an unprompted argument over a microphone toward the end of Wednesday night’s practice, causing a heated break-up and leaving a lonely Davis passed out drunk behind his kit.

“He always does this,” said Jim Bister, BDSM’s bassist. “[Davis] just loses all enthusiasm for a couple of practices, and is, like, dead weight behind the kit. Then he starts this huge fight about nothing and leaves the band. Two hours later, he’s sobbing uncontrollably into the phone and begging us to take him back, so we schedule an emergency make-up practice.”

Musicians rehearsing near BDSM reported feeling disturbed during some of their more passionate practices.

“Two weeks ago was the weirdest for me,” said an emotionally scarred Georgie “Jam-Dog” Duggan, whose band occupies the adjacent practice space. “I couldn’t hear myself shred ‘cuz their drummer was hittin’ so hard. And he kept getting faster and faster until he was just choking his cymbals and screaming, ‘Black Death Satan Machine, baby!’ at the top of his lungs. I don’t know if he even realized he shouted out the wrong name. After a real long, awkward silence, they just packed up and left.”

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Despite the thrill of the makeup practices, Davis was still noncommittal about the future of the band.

“Long-term goals [for the band]? Nah,” a sweaty, shirtless Davis answered through whiskey breath, playing around with different kit positions. “I’m just in it for the practice. When it’s good, it’s good, ya know?”

Pausing briefly to wipe a solitary tear from his cheek, Davis continued, “Heck, I know it’s wrong. They gotta know I’ve got two bands on the side. I just don’t got the heart to tell ‘em.”

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Article by Tom Fuller. Photo by @Superniceguytakingpix.

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