Dementia Turns Johnny Rotten Into A Nice Old Man

Los Angeles – Suffering from the debilitating effects of late-stage dementia, former Sex Pistols frontman and notoriously rowdy trouble maker, Johnny Rotten, has become an incredibly sweet old man.

For some, it is hard to believe that Rotten could be anything other than a disrespectful pain in the ass. “Right when I saw him heading in here I told the staff to hide anything breakable. We were expecting the worst because he’s so, you know, outrageous,” said Barney Hummel, owner of Barney’s Ice Cream Shop in La Brea. “But he just politely ordered his sundae and kept remarking what a lovely little shop it is. When he was finished with his ice cream he made balloon animals for the local children, who loved his yellow sequined sport coat.”

But not everyone is as impressed by Rotten’s transformation from snarling frontman to delightful senior citizen.

Former P.I.L. bandmate Lu Edmonds was looking forward to a raucous reunion this year, but he got something much different. “He kept singing the Sex Pistols classic ‘God Save The Queen’ to himself, but with a weird amount of sincerity,” Edmonds said. “What a cunt!”

In a phone interview from Sunrise of Beverly Hills assisted living center, Rotten sounded positively thrilled to be alive. He talked for hours about his best friend Sid and his girlfriend Nancy, who he described as “a real darling.” “I’m petting a tiny kitten right now!” Rotten said. “Can you believe that? What a blessing. Have you ever seen a little baby kitten? They’re so soft, like marshmallows with legs! Just adorable, like the administration of this excellent facility — they do a bang up job, really.”

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At press time, Rotten wandered away and is thought to be politely waving to strangers in the vicinity of Hollywood and The United Kingdom. If found, please call (212) 555-6573.

Article by Josh Fernandez. Photo by Ed Vill.

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