DC Announces Dark, Edgy Aquabats Reboot

LOS ANGELES — Warner Brothers announced a new addition to the DC Extended Universe this morning, following the successes of Man of Steel and Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice: a gritty, twisted reboot of the ska band, The Aquabats.

“What audiences want in a superhero franchise or ska band is dark, gritty realism,” said Margo Stevenson, an in-house producer at Warner Brothers. “We’re rebooting The Aquabats in a way audiences can really relate to. So we got rid of those silly guitars and trumpets, and each member now has an array of insane-looking homemade weapons. It’s better already.”

Many of the planned changes to the superhero-themed, late-’90s ska band are equally drastic. One leaked report revealed the band’s five, traditional bright blue spandex outfits will be replaced by four high-tech black body armor suits, with one robotic member now completely CGI.

“The time is right for an Aquabats rebirth,” growled frontman The MC Bat Commander. “Playtime is over. Let this be a warning to all you bad guys and haters, who think listening to ska music is a middle school thing: we are coming for you.”

Longtime fans of The Aquabats, however, voiced their disgust across major message boards.

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“This is such a disgrace to the band I grew up with. It’s so obvious DC has no idea why the fans like them in the first place,” said BattyForAquabats89 on the official Aquabats online forum. “I saw them at a show last week — not only did they barely play any music, but they had this whole weird thing where the bassist violently beat the crap out of a roadie. I thought it was kind of funny at first, but the guy was unconscious for at least 25 minutes.”

Users on message boards dedicated to the DC Extended Universe are echoing older fans of The Aquabats.

“What the fuck is ska music?” said TheJoker693 on Reddit. “Batman could kill all these guys in a fight. He wouldn’t even need to use his suit.”

At press time, The Aquabats were found at 3 a.m., standing silently in the rain perched atop a large, ominous building, looking out solemnly over “crime ridden” Orange County, Calif.

Sick of Hollywood messing with all your favorite franchises? Buy a shirt in protest:

Article by Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles. Photo by Kyle Erf @kyleErf.


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