Crust Punk Promises Humans Will Squat On Mars by 2025

CHICAGO — Prominent crust-futurist Mark “Musky” Long gave a brief press conference today to promise a crust punk will squat on abandoned property on Mars by 2025.

The announcement, made during the 158th-annual Crust Summit, attracting the grimiest visionaries in crust punk to the picnic tables in Wicker Park, followed a plea from Musky to find new ways to “be free” and “not deal with so many human drones.”

“For too long, we’ve limited ourselves to flopping planet Earth,” Musky said. “If we are to reach our fullest potential in the rejection of society, it is imperative we make preparations to do so at the interplanetary level. It is imperative we launch The Squat Rocket.”

Musky warned the likelihood of Martian squatting depends largely on societal collapse from global climate change brought on by the massive deregulation of industry, but added that this is a problem for which crust punks are prepared.

“Look, the world is shit — this point has been repeated over and over in crust. We are the group most prepared for the downfall of the capitalist nightmare,” said Musky, using dental floss to stitch a wound on his arm from a recent dog bite. “We can make booze from pretty much anything.”

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Musky plans to blaze new trails in resistance by leeching off the resources of an entirely new ecosystem. “We’re gonna have to dumpster dive for oxygen. You know, find some old cans people threw out because the air went bad or whatever,” he said. “If we can’t find some old buildings to take over right after we land, I’m sure there’ll be boxes. I’ve seen worse. I once did a winter in a Minneapolis boxcar. Here’s a song about it.”

The song, played on an acoustic guitar with two strings, detailed a prediction of cops on Mars being “30 percent stupider than the cops on Earth” and revealed Musky’s interplanetary travel plans. “We’ll just hop ‘em like a train,” he said.

Article by Steven Kowalski @CasimerKowalski.

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