BEND, Ore. — Noted coward and yellow-belly Michael Goldwater could not muster the courage to reject a second copy of a flyer he’d just been handed seconds earlier when leaving a show at The Mush on Saturday night, according to witnesses of the horrifically awkward scene.
“I saw the whole thing,” said fellow show-goer Grace Levenson. “One promoter got him for the Bob and the Benders show next weekend. I don’t blame Michael for taking that one; that guy was pretty forceful. But not even three seconds later, [Goldwater] ran into another guy flyering… and it was like his life flashed before his eyes.”
The minnow of a man allegedly made a gesture to attempt to suggest, “No thanks,” which was not nearly enough to stop a second promoter from shoving a second copy of the show flyer into his quivering, clammy hand.
“I saw the exact moment he gave in. It was a mixture of shame and resignation — an emotion we feed off of,” said promoter “Cheez” Macfarland, responsible for Goldwater’s second flyer. “He just gave off a vibe that said, ‘I stop to listen to the whole DirecTV sales pitch.’ I felt I could exploit it.”
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Goldwater, reported to own several subscriptions to the same daily newspaper, uneaten boxes of generic, door-to-door chocolate bars, and a small debt to the Columbia House CD Club still in arrears, quickly and silently left the scene.
Eyewitnesses confirmed the lily-livered poltroon stuffed both copies of the flyer into his pocket, rather than throwing them into one of the numerous public garbage cans he passed headed to his car. “You just know those things are going to end up in the lint trap of his dryer,” said bystander Luke Evanston. “Nobody benefits from this.”
UPDATE: As of press time, reports show Goldwater was indeed at the Bob and The Benders show the following weekend, a band he allegedly does not even like.
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