CLEVELAND — CM Punk is set to overcome the odds against professional MMA fighter and bully Mickey Gall at UFC 203, according to Matt Parker, a local straight edge dork currently crammed into his own locker.
“Punk is going to stand up to Mickey and show everyone that he isn’t just some lame loser who you can beat up and call a toad-faced dirtbag,” Parker said, adjusting his official WWE CM Punk skull cap, which had been slightly dislodged when he was brutally jammed into the metal container usually reserved for textbooks. “He’s going to show Dana White, Mickey Gall, and Sarah from science class, that you can’t just call him a buck-toothed lily-picker who is afraid to drink alcohol because his mom showed up drunk to a field trip one time in elementary school.”
“Yeah, she was drunk, but that’s not why,” Parker added.
Parker, predicting a round two redemption for every straight edge outcast who missed out on the cool kid parties, drinking with girls after school, and having a date to prom, thinks the bookmakers (who have Punk as a heavy underdog in his UFC debut) have it all wrong.
“People also counted him out against John Cena at Money in the Bank 2011, didn’t they?” Parker said, falling out of his locker and trying to undo his wedgie before anyone notices. “Or when he left the WWE with the belt after dropping the pipe bomb? How did that turn out for the haters?”
Parker is planning a big party at his parent’s house for the fight. All of his friends are coming and splitting the price of the PPV, so it’ll only set him back $35.
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“Not only that, but he opened the door for every Indy guy in WWE today,” Parker continued unprompted. “You think Kevin Steen is WWE Universal champion without CM Punk paving the way? Yeah right. Plus, he didn’t even have a full training camp for his last title defense because of the staph infection. The fucking doctors at the WWE make me sick.”
Parker’s classmate and feared bully, Nick Gardener, who will also be watching the fight live at the Quicken Loans arena surrounded by family and friends, had a different take.
“What the fuck did Matt the Fat say about CM Punk?” Gardner asked, growing increasingly hostile. “No no no, he’s booking it all wrong. Gall gets the rub tonight but then Punk goes over at the next UFC in Chicago. That little fucking mark never understands how Dana and Vince book their shit. He watches Camp WWE for fuck’s sake.”