Climate Change-Fueled Apocalypse in Next Century a Foregone Conclusion, Warns Boring Article

CUPERTINO, Calif. — A climate change-fueled mass extinction event that will wipe 90 percent of the human race off the face of the earth is already underway, according to one mind-numbingly dull report released today.

Scientists predict everyone you know and love will die off in various ways related to the heating of Earth’s atmosphere, the massively boring article summarizing the report says.

“I really don’t like these colorful status updates on Facebook,” said Jermaine Wilson, a local mother of two who scrolled right past the important, painfully dull report. “But, wow, it looks like the Cruz’s finally went apple picking. Honey, we should go apple picking!”

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Various species listed inside the 900-word summary of a 3,000-page report, which took decades to research and seconds to scroll right on past, have already died off. And now, the planet is at a point of no return, or whatever.

“This boring-ass report is conclusive proof that life as we know it is going to end,” said Dr. Ben Khan, who authored the report with dozens of colleagues. “These are the end times, and this sleeping pill of a report explains how we’ve gone so far that there is no way around it anymore.”

The article summarizing the report, which probably reads something like, “Blah blah blah it’s far too late,” and, “Oh boy, Trump isn’t helping but even if he was we’d still be fucked,” received three likes, zero shares, and one comment on Facebook.

The comment read, “Yawn, keep politics off this page. Unfollowing.”

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