NEW YORK — A decades-long climate change study commissioned by the Environmental Protection Agency and released earlier today confirmed what many have long suspected: New York City was significantly cooler in the ’80s.
Interviews revealed many New Yorkers feel the city’s change is a hoax perpetuated through a liberal arts agenda.
“New York City is the same as it’s always been,” said Katie Mack, a 21-year-old advertising student at NYU who moved to the city six months ago. “If New York isn’t cool, would I be paying $4500 a month for an East Village apartment my parents help me out with? I don’t think so. Plus, I’m in a mime troupe that performs on the subway, and everyone loves it.”
McCarthy claimed the slow change in the city’s atmosphere enabled New Yorkers to develop a tolerance to the declining coolness.
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“They seem completely unaware of how uncool they actually are,” said McCarthy. “Times Square used to be a seedy place. Now, it’s anchored by a store exclusively selling M&M’s. It’s a wonder this entire city hasn’t burst into flames.”
After reading the report, Mayor Bill de Blasio worried that making New York City cool again could actually have a negative effect on tourism.
“My predecessors and I worked hard to make New York look like the rest of America’s malls. If this study undermines these efforts, so help me God … ” said de Blasio from his air-conditioned office.
Tourists seemed to share the mayor’s sentiment. “I think what’s happened to New York is great,” said Pam Dyer, a mother of three visiting for the first time since 1991. “It almost feels like I never left Minnesota. We’re about to take a Segway tour through Central Park. How cool is that?”
Article by Dom Turek @dom_and_dahmer. Photo by Danny Krug.
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