Band Performs Sold Out Show for Eight Scalpers

HOUSTON — The Hungering Lamps played to a sparse crowd of eight ticket resellers at the Lone Star Theatre last night, an experience audience members described as, “Tickets! We got tickets! Anybody need tickets?”

The popular indie trio took the stage at 9 p.m. and opened with the single “Laid to Waste” off their new album Lamplight City, which recently gained the band a nationwide following.

“I was hoping there’d be more foot traffic, to be honest. Maybe I should have stayed outside. Hey, anyone looking to rock tonight?” said Burt Murphy, a 58-year-old self-employed entrepreneur from suburban Sugar Land. “Got pit tickets! Best in house! Three for $60, four for $79; cash only.”

Despite the complete lack of potential customers, witnesses report the scalpers desperately tried to unload their excess supply.

“Sure, I love The Hungry Lights. We all do,” said Nick Brown, a rotund man outside the venue wearing a Texans jersey, Astros hat, and Rockets gym shorts. “They’re great — hottest show in town. You guys are missing out on some really primo tickets here. Tell you what, I’ll go two for one. I’m losing money on that. Get ‘em while they last!”

A violent altercation allegedly occurred late in the show, when a scalper with a “TICKETS 4 SALE” sign approached another person holding a “NEED TICKETS” sign. It was unclear who swung first.

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“His poster said he needed tickets, so I figured I could give him a great deal,” said one of the combatants, who demanded anonymity. “Turns out he didn’t need tickets at all — he was actually selling tickets. I’m so deep in the hole on this show, I don’t know how I’ll make rent this month. It’s getting harder and harder for working class Americans like me to make an honest living.”

The eight attendees also took advantage of the fan meet-and-greet after the show, for which they owned all 20 passes.

“Any time we play Houston, people always come out and show us a good time,” said singer Les Benning, autographing blurry headshots pulled from Murphy’s backpack. “These tickets sold out in record time. I can’t wait to come back.”

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Article by James Shotwell and Andy Holt @IAmAndyHolt. Photo by Shelby Kettrick  @ShelbyShootsStuff.


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