HOUSTON — Drummer Philip McNeill announced earlier today he plans to learn enough conversational Spanish to navigate his band’s entire upcoming Brazilian tour by himself, according to his relieved bandmates.
However, reports show McNeill did not tell the rest of his band, the D-beat three-piece Riot for Rising, that he was studying Spanish instead of Brazil’s official language, Portuguese.
“I got an app for [learning Spanish] the other day, and I already nailed the gerunds and, like, half the pluperfect lessons, whatever the fuck that means,” said McNeill, believing his two years of high school classes and a quick review would eliminate the need to hire “some bilingual prick to just feed us a bunch of goofy, ‘Disneyland’ bullshit all week.” “I mean, I guess they kinda show you the answers beforehand, but I’d have nailed that shit anyway.”
McNeill’s bandmates, initially somewhat skeptic, admitted their drummer’s confidence swayed them in his favor, especially after his recitation of lyrics from a number of obscure Los Crudos songs.
“Well, if he says he’ll be able to do it, and says it really loudly, then I guess he’ll do it,” said bassist Lainey Schultz. “I didn’t realize they taught Portuguese in any high schools, but whatever. It’d be nice to not rely on strangers the whole time, because there are some sleazy dudes out there who sometimes expect more than a free t-shirt, if you know what I mean.”
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Sources close to McNeill report that Rebecca Lucci, McNeill’s ex-girlfriend, attempted to correct his mistaken assumption that Spanish was the predominant language in Brazil, but was rebuffed for behaving like her “typical nosy-ass, text-message-reading self.”
“He’s still using my Amazon Prime account, so I noticed it when he ordered a used Spanish textbook that I think was meant for 5th graders,” Lucci said. “So, whatever. I tried. This is gearing up to be worse than the James Deen mix-up of 2011, when he tried to get his mom a DVD box set for Christmas and made a pretty crucial misspelling. Google it if you have to — it was a pretty rough one. Although I think she decided to keep it in the end.”
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Article by Rick Homuth @rjhomuth.
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