SALT LAKE CITY — Self-identified punk Alexandra Fairuz discovered earlier today, via a search of her surname on Ancestry.com, that she descends from a long lineage of “total fucking posers,” according to family sources.
The 16-year-old, curious about her family’s history, turned to the popular website for insight and was severely disappointed with the results.
“With a name like Fairuz, I was hoping it would be something badass… like, punk had to be in my genes,” Fairuz said. “But when I saw the photo of my grandfather wearing a cashmere jacket covered in Styx patches, I knew something was up.”
Fairuz’s despair grew when she learned her great-grandmother, Yohanna Bublanski, refused to join the workforce during World War II, despite having had many “Rosie the Riveter” posters plastered throughout her former home.
“Honestly, I just kept digging deeper, hoping something cool would come up… but the farther I looked into my family tree, the worse it got,” said Fairuz. “I traced us back to the Roman empire, where my ancestor, Octavius Brutus Fairuz, falsely claimed he was the ‘Brutus’ who stabbed Caesar. And when I found I’m second cousins with Avril Lavigne, I just gave up.”
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Representatives for Ancestry.com claim Fairuz’s experience is not unique.
“It turns out most people really don’t like knowing their relatives were also complete losers. We get requests for refunds all the time,” said Toni Lambert, an Ancestry.com spokesperson. “For every person who finds out they’re related to George Washington, there’s another 1,000 who learn they’re related to a guy who replaced their teeth with wooden ones, trying to be like [Washington].”
Alexandra’s father, Nikolai Fairuz, admitted he’d known about the Fairuz poser legacy the whole time.
“I just didn’t have the heart to tell her,” said Mr. Fairuz. “She bought a studded leather jacket and combat boots after hearing Blink-182 in American Pie. At this point, she needs to accept it’s genetic, and will not skip a generation.”
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Article by Lucas Passarella @lucaselbeardo.