KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A recent gathering for the National Policy Institute, a white supremacist think tank looking to rebrand under the term “alt-right,” outed newbie Michael Sanders as a “total poser” who could not even correctly name three groups of people to hate, according to those in attendance.
Before headliner Richard Spencer took the podium inside a Holiday Inn Express event room, Sanders allegedly talked up a group of men standing outside.
“Yeah, I’ve taken all the pills — red pills, Trump Pills, all that stuff. I’m going my own way, for sure, if you are into that,” said Sanders, tightening the laces on his recently purchased New Balance shoes. “I mean, I read Breitbart like everyone else, so I’m fully up-to-date on all the identitarian news pertaining to European Americans.”
When asked for clarification, Sanders pulled out a small comb and brushed his high-and-tight fade before covering his head with a “Make America Great Again” hat.
“Yeah… you know the alt-right. We hate… jews? They’re bad, I think. I mean, even though they look white, I still think they threaten the American way of life,” said Sanders nervously.
Devlin Perry, leader of the Western Michigan chapter of Reddit.com’s r/hatecrimes, was one of Sanders’ first skeptics.
“Something just wasn’t right with that guy. He didn’t mention how much he hated Muslims or affirmative action once,” said Perry. “He just did the Heil Hitler thing a bunch. Call me old fashioned, but you have to earn the right to do that. ”
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Perry continued, “This is a new movement. This is a new culture. We have a whole scene here! Not just style… we got music, and not that skinhead shit no one wants to listen to either. Seriously. We have good bands! The Whitest Stripes, Homeland’s Heroes, Roosh Rockers… it’s not just a look, man.”
Sanders reportedly took pains to assure fellow attendees he believes in the ideals of the modern Neo-Nazi movement.
“Just the other day I was on Twitter giving Ellen a hard time. I think that is what we do… right?” asked Sanders. “She’s such a cuck.”
Sources close to Sanders say this is his third new social circle in as many years, following Kalamazoo’s cos-play scene and the small-but-devoted rockabilly scene of Grand Rapids.
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