DENVER — Tooth Rust, a punk band on their first nationwide tour, was spared from robbery yesterday because of their Peavey, Epiphone, and other undesirable brands of equipment, the relieved band confirmed.
“What a waste of time. We’ve been scoping this venue for days, ready to rob one of these chump bands blind,” said a crestfallen Skyler Merrick, one of the would-be burglars. “But we never considered the possibility that a touring band might use cheap, unsellable gear that even a high school music department would reject. Imagine how our hearts sank upon seeing Peavey Valveking heads, sweat-soaked Epiphone Les Pauls, and a shit-ton of Behringer pedals. Behringers are barely worth the raw materials they’re made of.”
“It’s difficult days like this that make me question my childhood dreams of stealing from small-time bands,” lamented Merrick.
Tooth Rust’s rhythm guitarist and vocalist Marky Benn defended his band’s gear choices.
“Well, sorry if we don’t have rich parents like a lot of the bands in our scene. This is the best we could afford, and we actually like our gear,” argued Benn. “Peaveys are cheap and easy to fix, and no one can tell the difference between a Behringer and a Strymon reverb when cranked in a piss-soaked bar basement. So get over yourselves.”
“But in a big picture sort of way, it woulda been nice if someone did run off with all our shit,” admitted bassist Krya Farth. “We could’ve had a Kickstarter and finally get real Gibsons and Mesa/Boogie heads and JHS pedals. That’s why I left the van unlocked in the first place.”
A spokesperson for Peavey Electronics challenged the notion that their products are ear-splitting garbage.
“Our engineers have devoted their lives to creating the perfect American guitar amplifier,” explained Peavey Director of Marketing Sarah Todd. “We set out to create a guitar tone so similar to a garbage disposal that the product itself becomes its own security system — no one will steal your Peavey head, because no one wants it. That is the Peavey guarantee.”
Rumors are circulating that at their next tour stop, members of Tooth Rust laid a trail of dollar bills from the main thoroughfare to the open backdoor of their van.