PONTIAC, Mich. – One week into their Midwest tour, post-punk band Hip Replacement have canceled the remainder of their shows due to the discovery of an absolutely perfect parking spot located just outside of The Crofoot in downtown Pontiac, satisfied sources confirmed.
“When we first pulled up to the venue I assumed that the empty spot right next to the door was a red curb or something,” recalled bassist Barry Atkins. “But once we realized that the curb was gray and there wasn’t a ‘loading only’ sign, I knew that we had found something special.”
Hip Replacement posted a photo of the spot on social media as proof, garnering hundreds of likes and a renewed interest in their two Bandcamp EPs.
“Even though we’re right in the middle of downtown, it’s the only spot on the street without a meter,” Atkins said, salivating at the thought. “Street cleaning isn’t even for another week so there’s like, no risk of a ticket.”
“I might try to live here after all’s said and done,” Atkins continued, wiping the stream of drool from the corner of his mouth.
Promoters for Hip Replacement’s now-canceled future shows expressed their support for the decision, claiming that such spots rarely surface, especially during rush hour.
“At first I was mad,” said Toledo, Ohio promoter Kelly Gregg. “But when I found out why they bailed I totally got it. Parking is a nightmare no matter what city you are in.”
The spot is reportedly within walking distance of a Starbucks, a city park, and a Sunoco gas station with, “plenty of sweet snacks to get us through a week or two,” guitarist Nat DeMarcus noted.
“I mean, why would you leave when you’ve got everything you need right here?” DeMarcus said as she unrolled her sleeping bag in the back of the band’s 2003 GMC Vandura. “It’s art as functionality, man.”
At press time, a visibly awestruck parking attendant was seen tearing up the ticket he had just written for the van’s expired registration after gazing at the immaculate spot and textbook parallel parking job for what seemed like ages.
Photo by The Frights.