CLEVELAND – Infamous conservative hardcore band One Life Crew announced this week that they have reunited and will kick off their ‘American Valuez’ 2015 tour with 26 shows in Indiana beginning next week. The band is adamant that choosing Indiana for the tour has absolutely no connection whatsoever to the recent controversial passage of the Religious Freedom Act.
“We’ve been out of the game for a minute since we found out that fuckin’ Obamacare wouldn’t cover our lap band surgery, and Chubbz was busy with the launch of his new clothing line, Juicy Frootz – but One Life Crew is back again, yo, and this time we just want the the music to speak for itself,” frontman Mean Steve said.
With many major organizations ceasing business in Indiana in protest of the contentious law, the news of the tour was a welcome relief to governor Mike Pence. “The people of Indiana deserve a tour like this. There are a lot of hard working honest people in this fair state who have earned the right to be heterosexual. Some analysts predict the sale of varsity jackets and construction gloves to increase by upwards of 400 percent.”
“We haven’t paid any attention at all to recent politics in Indiana; we just want to reconnect with the good people of the Hoosier State. Indy has always been a great place to do the Murdario Stomp on recipients of food stamps, faggarios and frootz,” Mean Steve said.
“We’re done with the politics and the BS that got in the way of our music before. Now that we’ve landed sponsorship deals with Memories Pizza, Chick-fil-A and Halliburton, we can afford to invest in some new crotch rockets, golf clubs and our backup singers, ‘The Limbaugh Lettermen’,” the Jewish immigrant vocalist continued, after confirming with the production staff that he will indeed enter the venues on a tank aimed at a model of a Planned Parenthood clinic.
Drummer and previously outspoken leader of the band, Chubby Fresh, was unavailable for comment due to being hospitalized for attempting to eat his phone.
Article by K. Fabe.
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