Local Militia Prepares to Defend Pop Punk

CONCORD, Mass. – Sources are reporting that close to 50 Bostonians, ranging in age from 14 to 31, have gathered near the Old North Bridge to defend pop punk.

The militia has been spotted digging trenches near the base of the bridge and pushing each other around the pits to prepare for battle. Though many of the soldiers only have makeshift combat gear and non-functional backpacks, the majority of the infantry are armed with AK-47s on their t-shirts.

As of right now, it is unclear who or what is threatening pop punk, but that didn’t stop these would-be-minutemen from dropping everything to make it out to the battlefront.

“I’m out here because I don’t want to waste my time and become another casualty of society. I’ll never fall in line, become another victim of your conformity,” Jack Elsman, 30, said while applying warpaint to his face. “Don’t tell us to behave, I’m sick of always hearing ‘act your age’.”

The militia spent the majority of their time distributing rations of pizza and stick ‘n’ poke anchor tattoos, but said when the time came for things to get serious, they were ready to die for their cause.

“I only had enough time to grab my brass knuckles, Title Fight hat and my brother’s cut-off khaki shorts,” 17-year-old Brian Killarney said, while digging a fox hole. “But I’ll die before I see our genre’s flag fall.”

Related: Punk Dad Prefers Son’s Earlier Stuff

Many locals visiting the bridge found themselves suddenly blocked off by a crowd of teenagers with hand tattoos who came to watch the spectacle. The police are urging anyone with a strong opinion about Joyce Manor and their comments about stage diving to stay at home, regardless of positive or negative connotation.

Although this is the story so far, The Hard Times Staff will continue to keep you up to date with news from the battlefront on Facebook, Twitter (@REALPunkNews) and Instagram (@TheHardTimesNews). 

Article by Drew Kaufman. Photo by The Hard Times Staff.

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