BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Guests report ongoing delays in commencing Thanksgiving dinner at the Croft household this afternoon, due to 26-year-old Mike Croft’s 20-minute shoutout to “everyone and everything he’s thankful for.”
The guests, which include extended relatives and close friends of Bob and Mary Croft, reportedly sat down around 3 p.m. today for their holiday gathering, beginning with a brief “giving of thanks” around the table, as is family tradition.
“Wanna give a quick shout out to Gammy Mabel for use of the space tonight,” said Croft, part-time line cook and full-time frontman for local hardcore band, Street Legion. “We got a really cool thing happening here, and it’s up to us to stick together and keep this shit going!”
“Also wanna give it up to Aunt Patty for killing it with that sweet potato casserole,” he added. “You got the marshmallows nice and melty without burning a single fuckin’ one!”
Some guests say they are “irritated” and “confused” by Croft, who is reportedly pacing around and pointing at everyone as their dinners continue to grow cold.
“He talked for almost five straight minutes about stuffing and then made everyone ‘give it up’ for all the thanking that went on before him,” said Phil Larson, Croft’s cousin from Utica. “I don’t know what the point of that was, but I am very hungry, and so is my wife.”
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The simple family ritual took the emotional yet long-winded turn when Croft initially took 10 minutes to explain what Thanksgiving means to him, reminding all of his relatives they are “literally like family to him.”
Optimism for a conclusion allegedly arose around 17 minutes in. “Everyone, be sure to stick around after dinner to watch some old home movies,” the frontman suggested, though hopes were dashed with Croft’s subsequent removal of his own shirt.
UPDATE: Croft has called for the kid’s table to come closer. “Move up, motherfuckers!” he yelled. “You are the future. We need you front and center.”
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