Band Will Do Anything for Success, Aside from Reading

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Up-and-coming pop-punk group The Bad Blimps will try any and all methods to reach success in the music industry, according to band members, so long as they don’t have to read any books, newspapers, or even longform internet articles that might propel their career further.

“We’re hungry. We’re ready. We’ll practice until our fingers bleed — whatever it takes. Except books or whatever. We aren’t a bunch of bookworms. #keepgrinding,” read a recent in-studio post to the band’s Instagram.

The Bad Blimps, as well as their management, are united in their distaste for the written word.

“What is this, high school?” asked vocalist Kurt Edgewood. “Books haven’t taught me anything except for how to fall asleep. Yeah, a lot of my lyrics sort of pull from Hemingway, but I get those quotes from the internet, not the library.”

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Other members of the blues-inspired pop-punk band echoed this sentiment, pointing out that music “is about sound” and books are “quiet little paper letters.” However, many industry insiders disagree with Edgewood’s views.

“It’s a real shame, since reading is a powerful way to absorb lessons that professional musicians take years to learn on their own,” said Jesse Cannon, author of Processing Creativity. “Books can help with things like original songwriting, audience interaction, and knowing there’s actually such a thing as ‘too much bass.’ But, hey — if you think writing the same exact song 15 times in a row is cool, more power to you, I guess.”

Indeed, a cursory search of Amazon.com revealed dozens of highly-reviewed books on musical craftsmanship, as well as a bevy of steamy romance novels involving young groupies and thinly-veiled stand-ins for famous rock musicians.

Quick to point out The Bad Blimps “do not simply avoid reading because they are bad at it,” manager Dolf Weber weighed in. “It’s about staying ahead of the game,” he said. “We’re trying to find the next shortcut to get these guys to the big time, and learning how to write good music takes too much time and effort.” The perpetually sweaty industry veteran also noted he wished to change the band’s name to “something without letters, but apparently that’s not possible yet.”

“By the way, can you send me a voice recording of this article?” Weber added.

Sponsored post made possible by Jesse Cannon and Processing Creativity.

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