Band Caught Taking Performance Enhancing Lessons

SAN DIEGO, Calif. – Disturbing security footage surfaced overnight of political skate-punk band Make America Skate Again taking performance enhancing lessons, causing a storm of controversy amongst musicians and critics alike.

“I was hella disappointed when I heard MASA took lessons,” former fan Brody Hunt said. “I miss the days when musical inspiration was just drugs, alcohol, sex, and violence. This is totally unethical. Where is the passion?”

Fans say a stark change in the band’s live shows indicated something was amiss.

“Dude… they played fuckin’ notes and shit. And I’m not talking power chords dude,” said Jordan Alvarez, who booked the band last month. “Usually it’s just a mess of noise and off-key yelling. Don’t get me wrong — it sounded way better. But bands don’t get that good overnight.”

Make America Skate Again underwent a battery of tests following early accusations of use of performance enhancing lessons, known in the music industry as PELs.

“We found only one member of MASA exhibiting signs of alcohol or drug use,” Dr. Jackie Woods said. “Even more disturbing, all members showed increased cognition and memory, and their fine motor skills were off the charts. All clear red flags for PEL use. It’s a fuckin’ bummer, brah.”

“It’s becoming increasingly common,” Dr. Woods added. “Since so many established bands are doing it, up-and-coming musicians feel they need to as well just to level the playing field. Even beginners started taking lessons. So sad.”

Members of MASA confessed shortly after the test results were made public.

“We never meant to take the lessons,” singer Joe Silva said. “But one night on tour, we met this great band called Charlie’s Horse, and after I asked their drummer how they got so good, he handed me a slip of paper. And once the LSD kicked in, he told me all about the affordable music lessons offered at his local Guitar Center.”

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“When we started ‘poppin’ L’s’ — that’s what people call lessons on the road — we thought it was all good,” guitarist Ginger Hayes said. “We sounded much better really quickly and it felt so good. But pretty soon we developed a tolerance. Now? I have to take three lessons and practice all week to get the same effect.”

“I actually didn’t take any lessons,” bassist Bill Terry said. “No one could tell the difference.”

Critics speculate the band will receive the standard punishment for taking PELs — six months of monitored band practices to ensure the members of MASA only spend their time drinking, partying, or fighting prior to their next tour.

Article and photo by Eric Navarro @erictries.

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