I Wouldn’t Suck a Dick for a Million Dollars or a Chance at Being Happy

Yo dude, let’s play a game: how much money would it take for you to suck another man’s dick? $100? $1,000?? $1,000,000?! The once-in-a-lifetime chance to openly be the person you are so afraid of admitting you are?!

Haha trick question! You’re so gay if you picked any of those options and I’m not gay, dude. I wouldn’t do it no matter what! Straight up: there is absolutely no circumstance where I would perform a gay sexual act. Not for money, not for fame, not even to accept myself.

No way, I wouldn’t suck a dick for $100 or $1,000.  I mean, sure, I expect my girlfriend to go down on me all the time for free but that’s mad different because she doesn’t have to come to terms with any of her deepest most repressed feelings when she does. For only $1,000 I wouldn’t suck the dick of the hottest guy in the world, which isn’t a thing that exists because no guys are hot because I’m a guy and let’s just move on.

I wouldn’t suck a dick for $1,000,000, nuh-uh. Suck a dick — one time — and then get paid one million dollars, no strings attached? No, thanks. Obviously there IS a string attached and it’s a little string called fear. What’s the point of being a millionaire if I have to spend it the whole time worrying that I might be different from other people. Is it worth $1,000,000 to admit to yourself that you have been lying about who you are for two and a half decades? NAH, DUDE!

Related: We Spoke With a Bouncer Who Can’t Wait to Choke You the Fuck out Tonight

Nope, I wouldn’t even suck a dick in exchange for true happiness coupled with the relief that I can finally throw away the hyper-heterosexual pseudo-masculine facade I have been using to belittle my friends and channel into misogyny which hurts women who have done nothing to deserve it. If you ask me, there’s nothing gayer than being yourself!

Be yourself in your new Hard Times shirt!

Article by Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles.


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