Wake Up, Sheeple: I Didn’t Crossbreed Sheep With People So You Could Sleep All Day

How much longer until you open your eyes? It’s like you all voluntarily refuse to see reality. There is an entire world out there of which few people become aware. And yet your awareness is key, the machinations of humanity hang in the balance of what I am about to reveal.

You need to wake up.

Seriously, sheeple. It’s 10 a.m.. Please. The alarm I set has been going off for 45 minutes. Mankind is ready to meet Sheepmankind whether it knows it or not.

I am about to go down in history as the first geneticist to combine sheep and human DNA into a living creature. I need to produce this video for YouTube so the international science community can see my achievement. BUT I CAN’T AS LONG AS YOU ALL ARE STILL SNORING!

Also, we need to discuss a few things. Do you all still prefer the more colloquial “sheeple” to my original name, “Lambo Sapiens”? There’s something just kind of badass about “Lambo Sapiens” but it doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as nicely. Hell, maybe Lamborghini would send me a free Huracan.

Related: Has Science Gone Too Far? Well… HAS IT?!

 

No, Glenn, you don’t look like a freak. You’re beautiful and everyone will regard you as such. One of the first orders of business will be to determine whether or not you have souls. I’ve put in a few emails to Pope Francis but have only gotten out-of-office replies.

Well, it’s mostly semantics. It’s basically whether or not we will treat you like citizens or wild game, I guess. Either way it will work out for you.

Yes, Marjorie, I said “wild game.” I have some high-end clientele who are sick of traveling to remote areas of the globe to hunt, er, more intelligent life forms. No, I’m not talking lions. Fine, we’re talking people. Rich people like to hunt other people and yes, some of you may get hunted. Is that what you needed to hear me say? Why else would I create sheep/human hybrids?

Oh, don’t get all huffy like that. Wow, you guys are super annoying when you get mad. Stop it! Stop that bleating right now. It’s so loud!

Fine! Go and call PETA! You’ll quickly find they won’t do anything to help you. Why not? Because you’re part human. PETA doesn’t give a shit about humans. They’re really kinda sick in that regard…

Article by John Danek @jjdanek

For the love of god open your eyes and BUY A T-SHIRT!

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