I Tried the Henry Rollins Fitness Plan for 30 Days and Now I Can’t Stop Yelling

HEY THERE UNFORMED MOUNDS OF CLAY!

 

MY NAME IS STEVE AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT RISING ABOVE AND SEIZING THE MOMENT THROUGH THE PAIN! I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT PAIN YOU GET WHEN YOU CRASH YOUR STEP-DAD’S DIRTBIKE EITHER! I’M TALKING ABOUT THE PAIN THAT IS WEAKNESS LEAVING YOUR BODY THROUGH YOUR PECS WHEN YOU’RE RISING ABOVE YOUR LIMITS!!

THAT’S RIGHT! WHAT I SAID MAKES SENSE IF YOU YELL IT AND YELLING IS WHAT I’M ALL ABOUT!

SEE, A FEW WEEKS AGO MY FRIENDS AT THE HARD TIMES ASKED ME TO CONDUCT AN EXPERIMENT. “HEY! CAN YOU DO THE HENRY ROLLINS FITNESS PLAN FOR 30 DAYS AND LET US KNOW WHAT HAPPENS?!” I SAID “SURE!!!” AND I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED: I’M DRIVEN, FOCUSED, GOAL-ACHIEVING AND I CANNOT STOP TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT AT A LOUD VOLUME!

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I WAS LIKE 30 DAYS AGO: NOTHING. I WAS NOTHING. I DID NOTHING. I LIVED NOTHING. NOW! I! AM! SO! MOTIVATED! COULD! CRUSH! CARS! WITH! THE! POWER! OF! MY! MOTIVATION!

WHAT DOES THE HENRY ROLLINS WORKOUT LOOK LIKE? LET ME SCREAM IT OUT FOR YOU YOU CHRYSALIS OF POSITIVE POTENTIAL!

DEADLIFTS? I’M DOING THEM! SQUATS?! YOU BET YOUR ASS I’M DOING THOSE! HELPING MY ROADIES MOVE AMPS?! WHOA THERE I’M A VOCALIST I DON’T DO AMPS!! BENCH PRESS? I CAN’T STOP PRESSING BENCH, AND I DON’T WANT TO. I’M GONNA RISE ABOVE, EVEN IF NO ONE SAYS I CAN’T I’LL PROVE THEM WRONG!

WHEN I FIRST STARTED THIS PROGRAM I COULD BARELY PUNCH TWO FLOORS A SET! NOW I’M PUNCHING WHOLE SKYSCRAPERS! THAT’S NOT AN ANALOGY EITHER I STRAIGHT UP PUNCHED MY GIRLFRIEND’S BUILDING RIGHT IN THE DICK!! THAT THING THE DILLINGER GUY DOES WHERE HE HANGS FROM THE RAFTERS?! I’M DOING THAT LIKE 10 TIMES A NIGHT!! DON’T GET ME STARTED ON PICKING UP FANS AND SCREAMING AT THEM IN THE FACE! I CAN DO THAT FOR HOURS!! AND IF YOU REQUEST TV PARTY AT A ROLLINS BAND SHOW I WILL!!!!

DO YOU WANNA HEAR SOME SPOKEN WORD ART?! IT’S ABOUT ME GOING INTO THE BANK AND FEELING WEIRD ABOUT IT! IT’S FUNNY! LAUGH! BUT NOT HAPPY LAUGH!

Related: The Five Stages of Hardcore Retirement Planning

DIET? VEGAN PROTEIN SHAKES, VEGETARIAN PROTEIN SHAKES, AND MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS THAT I GRIND UP AND MAKE INTO MOTIVATION SHAKES!

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE AND REMIND EVERYONE THAT THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP.

DID I MENTION AUTHORITY IS BAD?! WELL I SHOULD! I DIDN’T THINK THAT BEFORE BUT NOW I DO! SAME WITH CAPITALISM! AND THE WAY EVERYTHING IS AFTER 1985 – ALL OF IT IS BAD, BUT ESPECIALLY MUSIC.

I SHOULD ALSO POINT OUT AT THIS TIME THAT I AM EXTREMELY TIRED, YELLING IS HARD, SO IS LIFTING, SO IS RISING ABOVE, SO IS RISING ABOVE THAT!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SCREAMING AT YOU ALL SUMMER AT THE MELDENVILLE YMCA – WHERE WE WILL GET STRONG AS HELL!MY NAME IS STEVE AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT RISING ABOVE AND SEIZING THE MOMENT THROUGH THE PAIN! I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT PAIN YOU GET WHEN YOUR CRASH YOUR STEP-DAD’S DIRTBIKE EITHER! I’M TALKING ABOUT THE PAIN THAT IS WEAKNESS LEAVING YOUR BODY THROUGH YOUR PECS WHEN YOU’RE RISING ABOVE YOUR LIMITS!!

THAT’S RIGHT! WHAT I SAID MAKES SENSE IF YOU YELL IT AND YELLING IS WHAT I’M ALL ABOUT THESE DAYS!

SEE, A FEW WEEKS AGO MY FRIENDS AT THE HARD TIMES ASKED ME TO CONDUCT AN EXPERIMENT. “HEY! CAN YOU DO THE HENRY ROLLINS FITNESS PLAN FOR 30 DAYS AND LET US KNOW WHAT HAPPENS?!” I SAID “SURE!!!” AND I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED: I’M DRIVEN, FOCUSED, GOAL-ACHIEVING AND I CANNOT STOP TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT!

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I WAS LIKE 30 DAYS AGO: NOTHING. I WAS NOTHING. I DID NOTHING. I LIVED NOTHING. NOW! I! AM! SO! MOTIVATEDI! COULD! CRUSH! CARS! WITH! THE! POWER! OF! MY! MOTIVATION!

WHAT DOES THE HENRY ROLLINS WORKOUT LOOK LIKE? LET ME SCREAM IT OUT FOR YOU YOU CHRYSALIS OF POSITIVE POTENTIAL!

DEADLIFTS? I’M DOING THEM! SQUATS?! YOU BET YOUR ASS I’M DOING THOSE! HELPING MY ROADIES MOVE AMPS?! WHOA THERE I’M A VOCALIST I DON’T DO AMPS!! BENCH PRESS? I CAN’T STOP PRESSING BENCH, AND I DON’T WANT TO. I’M GONNA RISE ABOVE, EVEN IF NO ONE SAYS I CAN’T I’LL PROVE THEM WRONG!

WHEN I FIRST STARTED THIS PROGRAM I COULD BARELY PUNCH TWO FLOORS A SET! NOW I’M PUNCHING WHOLE SKYSCRAPERS! THAT’S NOT AN ANALOGY EITHER I STRAIGHT UP PUNCHED MY GIRLFRIEND’S BUILDING RIGHT IN THE DICK!! THAT THING THE DILLINGER GUY DOES WHERE HE HANGS FROM THE RAFTERS?! I’M DOING THAT LIKE 10 TIMES A NIGHT!! DON’T GET ME STARTED ON PICKING UP FANS AND SCREAMING AT THEM IN THE FACE! I CAN DO THAT FOR HOURS!! AND IF YOU REQUEST TV PARTY AT A ROLLINS BAND SHOW I WILL!!!!

DO YOU WANNA HEAR SOME SPOKEN WORD ART?!?!?! IT’S ABOUT ME GOING INTO THE BANK AND FEELING WEIRD ABOUT IT!! IT’S FUNNY!! LAUGH!! BUT NOT HAPPY LAUGH!!!

DIET? VEGAN PROTEIN SHAKES, VEGETARIAN PROTEIN SHAKES, AND MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS THAT I GRIND UP AND MAKE INTO MOTIVATION SHAKES!

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE AND REMIND EVERYONE THAT THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP.

DID I MENTION AUTHORITY IS BAD?! WELL I SHOULD! I DIDN’T THINK THAT BEFORE BUT NOW I DO! SAME WITH CAPITALISM! AND THE WAY EVERYTHING IS AFTER 1985 – ALL OF IT IS BAD, BUT ESPECIALLY MUSIC.

I SHOULD ALSO POINT OUT AT THIS TIME THAT I AM EXTREMELY TIRED, YELLING IS HARD, SO IS LIFTING, SO IS RISING ABOVE, SO IS RISING ABOVE THAT!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SCREAMING AT YOU ALL SUMMER AT THE MELDENVILLE YMCA – WHERE WE WILL GET STRONG AS HELL!

Article by Ryan Harnedy @rharnedy.

Hard Style is a brand new blog by the people who brought you The Hard Times. Like us on Facebook to keep up with all our posts.

Comments