We Spoke With a Bouncer Who Can’t Wait to Choke You the Fuck out Tonight

Born in Chicago and raised on Pantera and Sepultura in suburban Illinois, bouncer Dustin Hoff, is well known around the Peoria music scene as, “That huge asshole with the face tats that loves to choke people the fuck out.” Hoff, who was in the middle of his daily ritual of strenuous calisthenic exercises, sat down with The Hard Times to explain why he can’t wait to choke you the fuck out tonight.

HARD STYLE: Is choking people the fuck out your passion?
Hoff: Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and wife or whatever. But, yes, my true passion in life is choking people the fuck out.

HARD STYLE: Do you have an ideal choking victim?
Hoff: Oh, dude, excellent question. I’m an equal opportunity choker. Black, brown, white, purple, whatever, I’ll choke that motherfucker out. The smaller the neck the better though. It’s like magic when I can lace my fingers together around a skinny little neck. I get chills just thinking about it.

HARD STYLE: Do you ever not want to choke people the fuck out?
Hoff: Let me put it this way, one of the bartenders said a while back I came to work with my eyes all glazed over, a huge boner, and my hands stuck in the choking position. It’s like I was sleepwalking and having an erotic dream about choking a motherfucker out. I woke up in the middle of the opening band’s set choking the shit out of some dude who was blocking a fire exit. It was awesome.

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HARD STYLE: When did you start wanting to choke people?
Hoff: Ever since I was a baby, bro. My Mom said the first thing I did when she brought me home from the hospital was choke the fuck out of our cat, Pebbles. In high school I was listed in the yearbook as being, “Most likely to choke you the fuck out.”

HARD STYLE: What prompts you to choke people?
Hoff: The usual stuff. Stage diving, moshing too hard, taking your drink onto the dance floor, having a stupid face, being lame or uptight. I mean, even if you just look like you’re the kind of person who’s about to do some weird shit, I’m pretty much going to choke you the fuck out.

HARD STYLE: What do you do when you’re not choking people the fuck out?
Hoff: I think about choking people the fuck out and I study the history and theory of choking people the fuck out. Oh, and I write Petrarchan sonnets.

HARD STYLE: Ouch, dude, what are you doing?
Hoff: Don’t fight it. Just let go. It hurts more if you struggle.

Article by Josh Fernandez. 

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