Listen here, poser. You think you know this band? Really? What, you started listening to them six weeks ago? And now you’re happy to be seeing them live? Well fuck off, pal. This is my twenty seventh time seeing this band. I’ve followed them on tour all around the US and Canada. If this is only your first time seeing this band you’re clearly not prepared to have a good time tonight.
What do you expect to happen tonight? What, you wanna mosh to the songs you just found out about? Hang around with your wide-eyed excitement and sense of adventure? Fuck you! Don’t even try it, shithead.
I thought you were a cool dude when you came in but apparently I was wrong. I thought you were a person like me– someone with a relentless obsession to know everything there is to know about a band for the sole purpose of imposing on other people. You know, a FAN. If you haven’t collected all the first pressings of their B-sides then why are you even here?
Related: I Prefer Small, Intimate Shows So I Only Listen to Shitty Bands
Let me put it this way. If you’re skateboarding for the first time do you immediately try to drop in on a fourteen foot half pipe? No, you’d crack your skull open, which is exactly what I hope happens to you in that pit. I believe you should see a band live at LEAST twelve times before you’re capable of having any fun at their shows.
You clearly don’t know what punk rock is all about. It’s about criticizing social norms and class hierarchy while simultaneously ostracizing people in the exact same fashion.
Ugh just look at you. Head banging at the front of the stage and singing along with your friends. You’re doing this all wrong! You gotta hang out in the back, miserable, remembering how this show isn’t nearly as good as the first time you saw this band, while being resentful of everyone else getting to experience that joy. Now THAT’S a good time!
People like you make it very hard to enjoy seeing Rascal Flatts in concert.
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Article by Mark Hassenfratz @markhassenfratz