Brian, We Need to Talk About Your Wallet Chain

Brian, we need to talk about your wallet chain.

We all love and care about you, but this is becoming a problem. These aren’t Linkin Park shows. It’s not 1999. Nobody’s going to be deterred from stealing your money because it has a leash. And you’re definitely not gonna ‘come to the rescue’ of Mariela by swinging your wallet at some intruder. It’s useless. And she’s tougher than you.

Everyone is noticing a pattern, Brian, the wallet chain is just the start.

The huge flared jeans need to go too; you could fit two people in there. But trust me, you won’t be fitting two people in there.

Brian, you need to get rid of those box braids. You’re Irish. It’s not cool. It’s not going to get you the kind of attention you want.

Brian, you need to get rid of those leather cuffs. You have a rash. It’s red and it smells.

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Brian, stop carrying around that fanny pack. I know you want women at shows to go out with you because you carry tampons for them but they’re not going to do that. You look like a professional wrestler from the early ‘90’s. Or a mom at Raging Waters. Does it need to be waterproof? Does it need to have dolphins on it? Come on, Brian. I know you’ve been having a hard time making friends but this is not the way.

Brian, we need to talk about your shoulder parrot.

Please. Please, let me talk to you about your shoulder parrot.

Brian you are not a pirate. Plus he repeats the sounds he hears at your apartment, I don’t care how appropriate Jello Biafra’s voice sounds coming out of a parrot’s mouth, it’s weird. Please, please leave the parrot at home.

Brian, we love you. We want to see you at shows. But if you’re going to keep dressing like an asshole we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

Article by Hana Michels @hanamichels.

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