There’s no doubt about it: Punk is dying. Whether it’s gentrification, mainstream exposure, or just a monumental shift in the scene, one thing is abundantly clear: I keep getting kicked out of bars for doing coke in the bathroom, just as they stop becoming cool and start becoming poser wastelands. These five spots are the biggest wastes of time if you’re a punk purist, or if you wanna do like a little bit of blow even ONE TIME.
5. First up, we have Rocksteady. A lot of folks remember this as the one place that used to be down with anything. But now suddenly they get all high and mighty and ban “hard” drug use. Like coke is even a “hard drug.” Jokes on them, I hear people already started to think it was dead way before they threw me out when they saw me do a bump in line for the bathroom.
4. Next on the list is Fuzzy’s on Broadway. This was the first place that The Bum Knees ever did a set, so needless to say it was crucial for the scene. But apparently now the management decided they wanna have a happy daycare sunshine vibe or some shit. I mean, it’s not even like I was the only one doing it that night! People have been there way more messed up and belligerent than I was! Whatever, good luck to that place, it was basically just me and my buddies bringing people there anyway.
3. This one hurt the most. McHenry’s Pub was not only a mainstay of the underground scene, but my buddy Duncan was a bar back there. However, once they started doing that monthly Emo Night it went to hell. Honestly, I’m glad they banned me for doing a line off the “No Drugs Permitted” sign. Also Duncan, if you’re reading this, fuck you. I doubt you would have “lost your job” if you just let that one slide, but I guess we learn who our real friends are in moments like this.
2. Spiral Lounge is a HUGE shock to me, not only because of its now former punk status, but also because I didn’t even do coke there. Not once. I guess one of the sellouts from earlier on the list went ahead and called these guys and what, “warned” them about me? It’s not like I’m one of those guys who tries to fight people! I mean except for that time I fought that girl at Fuzzy’s, but I was so high then I don’t even remember. You know what, fine. I give that place 5 years before it becomes some shitty fusion coffee place. Hardly worth my time.
1. Numero uno poser central is Doogie’s House. This isn’t a legitimate venue, this is actually the house of one-time punk hero Doogie. They told me I’m not allowed back there after I got too high and peed in his housemate’s closet. Well I got news for you Doogie, the LEAST punk thing you could do is kick someone out for freebasing in a room that was locked before peeing in a closet and also a little bit on a yoga mat. I guess you wouldn’t know that though, seeing as you haven’t been to a real show in the last couple of weeks since you’re straight edge now. So to everyone out there representing the real scene, STAY AWAY FROM THIS HOUSE. Or like, talk to him and tell him I’m sorry. And tell Caitlin I can fix the hole I kicked in her door.