Most of the time we’re stoked when our favorite bands drop unreleased tracks. But some long lost B-sides aren’t buried treasures. Sometimes they’re just straight up garbage, like these five musical abortions.
We’re not going to dignify these crimes against humanity by posting links to them. We’re just letting people know about this deluxe reissue trash so you all don’t suffer the same fate as the poor intern who had to listen to this bullshit*.
1. Minor Threat, “Salsa Days”
This was originally going to be the last track on the Salad Days EP. According to drummer Jeff Nelson, the maraca-heavy track was going to signal the band’s bold new musical direction as a straight edge salsa-hardcore fusion group. Listening to this song is like pouring a bottle of ice cold Pace Picante chunky salsa directly into your earholes. If you weren’t guilty of being white before listening to this song, you will be afterward.
2. The Ramones, “Surfin’ Reagan Safari”
Johnny Ramone was a pretty conservative dude. He bitched such a huge fit over the band’s anti-Reagan song, “Bonzo Goes to Bitburg” that the band caved and recorded a pro-Reagan song just to shut him up. That’s why we have this deranged trash: three minutes of Joey singing about Reagan surfing a tasty wave to Africa so he could shoot elephants or something. I don’t know – we stopped listening after the first, “Ride that wave, Ronnie, ride, oh-oh” chorus.
3, Jawbreaker feat. Too $hort, “Motorboating Dreams From the Hillz”
Ah, the ’90s. The era of grunge, Space Jam, and terrible rap-rock collabs. Emo punk heroes Jawbreaker weren’t immune to, “Judgment Night” fever. A few months before releasing 24-Hour Revenge Therapy, they cut a, “hot track” with rapper Too $hort. If you’ve ever wanted to hear Blake Schwarzenbach rap, “Girl, this isn’t lover’s rock/I’mma break your jaw with my Schwarzencock” then this song is for you.
4. Refused, “Guy Debord Blues”
Before these firebrand Swedes recorded their epic album The Shape of Punk to Come, their try-hard singer Dennis Lyxzén recorded a 12-minute long acapella track that’s just him screaming about Guy Debord. Does that sound good to you? Knock yourself out. We mean that literally – go jump out a window and spare your roommate the horror of listening to this bullshit.
5. At The Drive-In, “Symbiopsychotaxiplasm Comes in Venus Deferens Olympus Mons Calamari”
Take every album put out by Yes and Mars Volta and stick ’em in a blender. Pour in three grams of crystal meth, 12 pixie sticks, and a thimble full of bleach. Mix ’em together until you’ve got a nice blue-black shake. Then take a bone saw and trepanate yourself. Cut a nice nickel-sized hole in the front of your skull and pour that shake on your exposed brain goo. The spasms that rock your body as this acid-bleach concoction disintegrates your brain will be a lot less painful than having to listen to this 35-minute long ATDI B-side.
*We’re all praying for you, Ferret Boy. You’re way too hardcore to be in a coma forever.