Oh, stretched ears. They defined your youth. You put painstaking effort into getting those holes to gape as much as possible. You took pride in explaining the numbering system (is a 5 bigger than a 00? We may never know!) and correcting people who called them gauges. But it’s not 2008 anymore and you might not be as crazy about the giant, droopy skin-flaps attached to your head as you once were.
That’s why Hard Style has compiled five practical uses for those giant holes in your ears.
1. Hands-Free Dog Walking
Belts don’t last forever. But gigantic, regrettable holes hanging from your ears do. Put them to use and hang your pants from your sad droopy ears that scream “emo phase” to the entire world. Plus, if you’ve always liked suspenders but worried about accidentally wearing the wrong color and aligning yourself with a skinhead gang you can rest easy knowing no one will mistake you for a skinhead with our braces looped through your ears. Everyone will think you’re a whole new type of freak. Hey, you can even start your own ear-suspenders gang if you’re into that sort of thing.
3. Human Hula-Hoop
Sometimes stretched ears give off sketchy vibes to people unfamiliar with subculture. There can still be a stigma attached to piercings, tattoos and stretched ears. What better way to prove you’re a functioning member of society than by giving your time to let a child hula-hoop using your massive earlobes? You’re sure to be a hit at any family reunion or public park.
4. Organizing Your Computer Wires.
Various wires and cables plague everyone’s home office — that’s where you come in. By simply running the plethora of wires through your holes of regret you’ll make the backside of any desk cleaner and safer. This function will also come in handy as a skill to add to your resume. Maybe you can get a job instead of setting up that GoFundMe to pay for the surgery to get those bad boys closed up.
5. Hot Dog Holders
Man, just imagine how many hot dogs you could fit in there. You’ll be the life your next 4th of July party. There’s no magic like the magic of being a human processed meat dispenser. Pro-tip: put the dogs in one ear and condiments in the other to save everyone time. It’s also a friendly way to break the ice with your parents who you probably have a strained relationship with.
Do you have any tips for new ways to use those saggy old holes in your ears? Let us know in the comments below!
Article by Dan Luberto @TheDanLuberto
Hard Style is a lifestyle blog by the people who brought you The Hard Times. Like us on Facebook to keep up with all our posts.