I Will Not Play the New Smash Bros Unless it Includes All 642 of These Characters

I love Smash Bros as much as the next guy, but if the new game being made for the Nintendo Switch doesn’t include EVERY SINGLE ONE of these characters, then it is 100% going to be trash. Obviously, I’ll still buy a Switch so I can play it and find out. I actually own the Switch already but I’ll buy one that’s just for Smash Bros.

Anyway, here’s the list:

  1. Goku
  2. The Cast Of The Jersey Shore
  3. Buster Bunny from Tiny Toons
  4. A Pokémon Snap Station
  5. All Sonic OC Characters
  6. Goku
  7. The Elusive Bigfoot
  8. Claire Danes circa My So Called Life
  9. Alex Jones
  10. Eggplant Emoji
  11. Steve Jobs Played By Ashton Kutcher
  12. That alien robot Dr Wiley turns into
  13. Berenstein Bears (alt skin for Berenstain Bears)
  14. For some reason, a car
  15. Young Jerry Seinfeld
  16. Metta World Peace Knight
  17. Ray Man
  18. Billy Mays
  19. The Mighty Sarlacc (playable character AND stage)
  20. Waluigi (circumcised skin)
  21. Arsenio Hall
  22. Harambe
  23. God
  24. Goku
  25. The End of Racism (we apologise in advance that this character cannot be selected)
  26. Good Eats era & Cutthroat Kitchen era Alton Brown
  27. Zelda from Pet Cemetery
  28. Goku
  29. Erectile Dysfunction Luigi
  30. Sonic
  31. Chad Muska from Tony Hawks Underground 1
  32. Dave Grohl
  33. Goku
  34. Mads Mikkelsen and Hideo Kojima
  35. M’Baku
  36. Samurai Jack
  37. Error from Legend of Zelda: Adventure of Link
  38. None of the Joestars
  39. The Crying Indian From Those Recycling Ads
  40. Bugs Bunny Dressed as a Girl Bunny
  41. Geriatric Luigi
  42. FDR in a mech suit
  43. Goku
  44. Former Daily Show Host Craig Kilborn
  45. Unlockable Character Silhouette
  46. That glitch where you can see Samus naked if you shock her with pikachu and pause at the exact right time
  47. Horny Single Women In Your Area Looking To Fuck
  48. The Letter H
  49. Goku
  50. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer
  51. A human centipede
  52. Link with a Gun
  53. Anthony Scaramucci
  54. That Same Homeless Guy You Always See On Your Commute To Work
  55. Walter White
  56. The Illuminati
  57. Goku
  58. Jar Jar Binks
  59. Drake’s father
  60. Honey Smacks mascot
  61. Hurricane Katrina
  62. Noam Chomsky
  63. He Hate Me
  64. Solid Snake
  65. Jessica Rabbit
  66. Sheeva with four tits
  67. Reunited R.E.M.
  68. Senator Armstrong in a Red Baseball Cap
  69. Barack Obama
  70. Mrs. Game and Watch
  71. The Person You Lost Your Virginity To
  72. The nice guy at the deli who knows what you want before you order it which really helps to make your neighborhood feel like a community
  73. Noctis Lucis Caelum
  74. The Main Soldier and the Main Creature from Small Soldiers
  75. Halo
  76. The Italian BMT now $5 at Subway
  77. Both of the Moms from Fresh Prince
  78. Busty flower from conker’s bad fur day
  79. Goku
  80. Kenan Thompson
  81. Final smash: NUNCHUCKS
  82. Hitler, but Like, Not in an Offensive Way
  83. Ty Pennington for Guaranteed Rates
  84. Old AIM Account
  85. G-String Samus
  86. The Cast of The Breakfast Club
  87. That One Gringotts Goblin That Borders On Anti-Semitism
  88. Left paddle from pong
  89. Mario But With Pancake Nipples
  90. Unsold DVDs of the movie Pixels
  91. The physical manifestation of the three-fifths compromise
  92. Joe Valentino From Great Neck Nissan
  93. Mike Ditka
  94. Eddie Murphy
  95. Eric Garland (final smash: Game Theory)
  96. Pinky and the brain
  97. Vectorman
  98. Steve Buscemi
  99. Jean Claude Van Damme’s Character From Bloodsport
  100. Vice Reporter
  101. Bob from Reboot
  102. Wario without a skeleton
  103. The 1989 New York Knicks
  104. Zelda (the boy)
  105. The White Guy In The Roots
  106. Bananaman
  107. Vacation Jason
  108. Some Minor Character From Final Fantasy That Everyone Fuckin Loves For No Reason
  109. Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism
  110. The Boss Baby
  111. The Paperclip From MS Word
  112. Yung Linc
  113. The General from those insurance commercials
  114. The Baby Dinosaur From the Show Dinosaurs
  115. Bob Ross’ 2″ Blender Brush
  116. Goku
  117. Master hand’s wacky cousin crazy foot
  118. A Child Soldier (sad, right?)
  119. The hand coming out of the toilet that needs toilet paper in Majoras Mask
  120. might as well include van hammersly while we’re at it
  121. The “do not blow” warning on the cartridge
  122. Fleeting Happiness
  123. Goku
  124. Tetris Blocks
  125. Afroman
  126. Fox
  127. Angry Sun from World 2 Desert in Super Mario Bros. 3
  128. A fidget spinner
  129. A Five String Fretless Bass
  130. Ben Carson during REM sleep
  131. Stephen King When He Was Addicted To Cocaine
  132. Ridley
  134. The entire polyphonic spree
  135. Arwing That Just Keeps Doing A Barrel Roll
  136. Rick & Morty From Rick & Morty
  137. Whatever is Making That Weird Noise When You Hold Z as You Start Up Your Gamecube
  138. A random baby
  139. Lou Albano Mario
  140. The housekeeper that always has to vacuum right in front of the TV while we’re playing
  141. Kevin Smith in an ill fitting batman suit
  142. Spock
  143. Cooking Dada (alt costume for Cooking Mama)
  144. Dad’s character stuck in a corner
  145. Sean Penn
  146. The Front Bottoms
  147. Megan Fox’s Thumbs
  148. Ruth Bader Ginsberg
  149. The biggest, blackest dick
  150. Seth McFarlane (skin for Todd McFarlane)
  151. Robert Mueller
  152. No Items
  153. Lootbox
  154. Splatoon
  155. A Guy On a Segway
  156. Brian Deegan
  157. Broodals
  158. Dune Sandworm (assist trophy)
  159. Serpico
  160. Only one ice climber
  161. Yoshi
  162. Andross’s Brain
  163. Goku
  164. Mary Sue
  165. Dan Harmon
  166. Arthur from the movie Arthur starring Dudley Moore
  167. Pontius Pilate
  168. Norm Abram of The New Yankee Workshop
  169. Marc Maron (his moves are all just talking at you before you get a chance to do anything)
  170. Clippy
  171. Alt: Mario’s Mushroom Dealer
  172. Kirk Van Houten’s representation of Dignity
  173. Biker Mice From Mars
  174. A Dusty Rock Band Drum Set
  175. Goth from the Goth Rave Video
  176. Wakko from Final Fantasy X
  177. Phil Spencer in a blazer
  178. Steven Tyler circa Permanent Vacation
  179. Dr. McStuffins
  180. My Uncle Who Works For Nintendo
  181. Lorne Michaels
  182. Wiimote
  183. Anne Coulter’s Conscience
  184. Maynard James Keenan
  185. Friend’s N64 controller that’s sticky and you’re not sure why
  186. Potsy from Happy Days
  187. Jon Bon Jovi
  188. Florida Man
  189. Detective Pikachu With Danny Devito’s Voice
  190. Not Goku
  191. Dennis from It’s Always Sunny
  192. Sakurai
  193. Christopher Plummer
  194. Tim The Toolman Taylor
  195. Sex Fox (Robin Hood but we just call him sex fox)
  196. John Waters
  197. Bob the Tomato
  198. Bayonetta, but it’s a person covered in bayonettes
  199. The Kenyan Gundam from G Gundam
  200. Berenstain Bears
  201. Nick Rutherford from Good Neighbor Stuff a.k.a. the one who didn’t get on SNL
  202. Jared Before The Weight Loss But After The Pedophilia
  203. Stalin in a Mario Outfit
  204. Archivist Toadette
  205. Invisible John Cena
  206. MechaSheeva
  207. 7/8 Nurse Joys
  208. Goku
  209. Some fine people on both sides
  210. Louis Farrakhan
  211. The /r/gaming Reddit Mod
  212. A Cease and Desist Order From The Makers Of Tekken
  213. A Monster from an Alesana or Bring Me the Horizon or whatever Shirt
  214. A Baseball Player from the Baseball Episode of Samurai Champloo
  215. Goku
  216. The Justice League Snyder Cut
  217. Kevin Nealon
  218. Katt, the hot girl fox from Starfox 64
  219. The Cast of Hamilton
  220. IT
  221. The Prophet Muhammad
  222. The Avatar of Empty Nostalgia
  223. The Realization That Your Parents Have Had Sex Before and They Could Be Doing It Right Now
  224. RL Stine
  225. Dan Hibiki
  226. Nude Waluigi Wearing Only Sunglasses
  227. The Noid
  228. Emma Goldman in a mech suit
  229. The Song “Accidental Racist”
  230. Kramer
  231. Bubsy
  232. John Madden
  233. Lawrence Krauss
  234. Terry Gross
  235. S-tier Pichu
  236. Dana/Zuul
  237. That fuckable rabbit from Space Jam
  238. Eater X
  239. Paul Blart
  240. Sora
  241. Modern Metallica
  242. 2 Suit Samus
  243. Henry Rollins from the Def Jam video game
  244. Goku
  245. The Cast Of Pawn Stars
  246. Goku
  247. Bowser and Peach’s Horrific Love Child
  248. Pepsiman
  249. Temba, his arms wide
  250. A refurbished Wii U
  251. Young Sheldon
  252. Blue from blues clues
  253. The Ever-Changing Concept of American Whiteness
  254. Goku
  255. Action Bronson
  256. Scorpius from Farscape
  257. Masturbating Louis CK
  258. Todd Mcfarlane
  259. George Lucas
  260. Manic Charlie Sheen
  261. A BOSS Metal Zone
  262. Ice climbers fused with pichu
  263. Spike from Cowboy Bebop
  264. Every Wu-Tang Clan Member Except U-God
  265. Due Process
  266. American Badass Undertaker
  267. Agumon
  268. Reba as Colonel Sanders
  269. Master Chief
  270. Mario Lopez
  271. Fat Bam Margera
  272. Parker from Gold Rush Alaska
  273. Helen from HR
  274. Goku
  275. Executive Producer Dick Wolf
  276. Carey Elwes ‘The Claw’ from Liar Liar the Jim Carrey Movie
  277. Paul Ryan’s Spine
  278. Goomba Who Has Been Training All His Life To Avenge His Squished Parents
  279. Drunk Tony Stark
  280. Elliott Ness
  281. Scott Ian
  282. Michael Vick
  283. Farm Raised Pikachu
  284. HR Giger
  285. Porgs
  286. Dante and Randall
  287. Goku
  288. The Last Samurai
  289. The FBI
  290. Goku
  291. Flavor Flav’s Clock
  292. The Pod Save America Crew
  293. The Italian Aliens from Star Wars The Last Jedi
  294. Tom Holland Spider-Man
  295. Goku
  296. Abobo
  297. Jill Stein
  298. Vince McMahon
  299. An Inanimate, Empty Tanooki Suit
  300. John Carpenter
  301. Waluigi’s Foreskin
  302. Death Grips
  303. Wakka
  304. Mansplainer
  305. Mario on Wrong Kind of Mushrooms
  306. Chicago Police Officer’s Mustache
  307. Michael Jordan
  308. The Dude Who Milks The Cow in the 1 2 Switch commercial
  309. My Waifu
  310. Loot Boxes
  311. the personification of your uncle’s racist anti-Obama rant
  312. Time’s Person of The Year: You
  313. Mario, But After He Divorces Princess Peach And Gains 30 Pounds
  314. Common
  315. Naked Raiden from MGS
  316. Ernest P Worrell
  317. Young Shia LeBeouf
  318. Missingno
  319. Violent J
  320. Lionel Hutz
  321. Biggie
  322. Ghost Pepper Hot Wings
  323. King Eeeeee
  324. Paul Rudd in that Nintendo commercial
  325. Ayatollah Khomeini
  326. Garfunkle
  327. Goku
  328. Billy Mitchell
  329. The Beastie Boys
  330. Anita Sarkeesian
  331. Edd, but not Ed or Eddy
  332. The pinching your face guy from Kids In The Hall
  333. Nintendog the Bounty Hunter
  334. Goku
  335. Dave, but his mom grounded him from video games for a month
  336. Cooking Mama
  337. Shia LeBoef
  338. Leisure Suit Larry
  339. Goku
  340. Steven
  341. Hard Tim
  342. Fred Durst with red hat!
  343. The Broken iPod I’m Too Nostalgic To Get Rid Of
  344. Seasonal Affective Disorder
  345. The Demiurge
  346. Tupac Hologram
  347. Metal King Dedede
  348. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
  349. Odysseus
  350. Fabio when a bird died on his face
  351. Watto and Jar Jar (Plays Like The Ice Climbers)
  352. Crying Jimmy Kimmel
  353. The Nasonex Bee
  354. Racist Black Caricatures That Japanese People Don’t Realize are Super Offensive
  355. Dinkie Dino (Mom bought instead of Tamagotchi)
  356. Silk Button-Up Shirt Of Anime Character
  357. Goku
  358. Barron Trump
  359. Goku
  360. PUP
  361. Goku
  362. The old racist Jynx
  363. Tomi Lahren
  364. Member Berries
  365. Beat Takeshi
  366. Nude code Lara Croft
  367. A Rabid Nintendog
  368. 90s Kid
  369. Jew
  370. Cappy
  371. Slender Man (Obese Version)
  372. Gordon Ramsey
  373. Mikey Erg
  374. Kylo Ren including nipples
  375. WrestleMania 2000 Steve Blackman
  376. Tuxedo Mask
  377. Boner from Growing Pains
  378. Gallagher (King Dedede alternate costume)
  379. The Teacher You Accidentally Called Mom in Third Grade
  380. Bob Villa
  381. Quentin Tarantino’s Character ‘Jimmy’ from Pump Fiction
  382. Hallucinogen Dealer Who Hangs out at the Same Coffee Shop as All Your Town’s Teens
  383. Bob Hoskins Samus
  384. Only 90s Kids
  385. Malcolm Gladwell (unlocked after 10,000 hours of gameplay)
  386. Literally every Pokemon ever
  387. Trump’s twitter password
  388. The Duplass Brothers
  389. Any Of The Well-Received Minority Superheroes Released By Marvel
  390. Pregnant Luigi
  391. The Coach from Punchout
  392. Kirby But With Asthma
  393. The 3rd, 7th, and 10th Doctor Who
  394. Darth Insanius
  395. Animal Crossing’s Serial Public Masturbator
  396. Mac Tonight
  397. Tommy Wiseau
  398. Yoshi Getting Punched in the Head by Mario
  399. Slavoj Žižek
  400. Mel Gibson before all that
  401. Darth Icky
  402. Lando Calrissian
  403. Charles Nelson Riley
  404. Dr. Zaius
  405. Hard Times Managing Editor Bill Conway
  406. Del Close
  407. Raspberry Pi Emulator Running SNES Games
  408. Bowser’s Contractor
  409. Jonah Ryan
  410. Pizza Rat
  411. Cake Boss
  412. Breath of the Wild Link
  413. Chris Gaines
  414. The whole team from Major League 2
  415. Wawaluigi
  416. Doom Guy
  417. A bucket of human teeth
  418. Red
  419. Blood Falcon
  420. Wilson from Castaway
  421. Checkered Vans from Middle School
  422. Tobias Funke
  423. Tim Armstrong
  424. Embarrassing Walk-to-Work Sweat
  425. The Property Brothers
  426. Ms. Carpal tunnel
  427. Jeff Rosenstock
  428. Goku
  429. Laughing Alexa
  430. Rain Man
  431. A Large, Silent, Orange
  432. Goku
  433. Mew One-and-a-Half
  434. Jenny Lewis reprising her role from The Wizard
  435. Crazy Hand
  436. Anthony “Sully” Sullivan
  437. North Korea (new stage)
  438. All the girls from Mambo #5
  439. Stanley Ipkiss
  440. John Legiuzamo’s Character from “The Pest”
  441. A room temperature glass of tap water
  442. Pac-Man but as a Mii
  443. Mark Zuckerberg
  444. The kid banished to Hell at the end of the Crossfire commercial
  445. Glenn Danzig
  446. Collin Kaepernick Kneeling for the National Anthem
  447. A Stale End Piece of Bread That No One Wants to Eat
  448. Mario’s mustache
  449. Mario in that green boot from Mario 3
  450. Ike Eisenhower
  451. King Bob-omb
  452. Emotional labor
  453. Max Headroom
  454. Goku
  455. Dwight Schrute
  456. Mario
  457. Toad’s Hat and You Can’t Convince Me Otherwise
  458. OB/GYN Mario
  459. Dale Gribble with Pocket Sand
  460. Birdo
  461. The Creeping Realisation That Your Parents Will Eventually Die
  462. Elon Musk
  463. Madcatz Controller
  464. An AR-15 assault rifle
  465. Pickle Rick
  466. Shitty Roommate
  467. Mr Game and Watch
  468. Oddjob
  469. Goku
  470. Corpse of Billy Mays
  471. Shigeru Miyamotos Niece
  472. The Corpse Of Glass Joe
  473. [Ice Climbers confirmed NOT in Smash 5]
  474. CATS From All Your Base Are Belong To Us! LOL, Remember That?!
  475. Unconditional Love
  476. A horse
  477. Donkey Lips From Salute Your Shorts
  478. Goku
  479. Pablo Sanchez
  480. Goku
  481. Tails
  482. Wayne Brady
  483. Union Scab
  484. Captain Falcon
  485. The turtle from Zelda but with Mitch McConnel’s head
  486. The Next Cloverfield Movie
  487. Middle Schooler in a Naruto Sand Village Headband
  488. Swedish Chef
  489. Tupac
  490. The Receipt You Never Found to Return That N64DD
  491. Acid Reflux
  492. Ganondorf but like similar to the way he is in the fucking Zelda series
  493. Seven Fire Emblem Reskins
  494. “Slow Hand” Eric Clapton
  495. Sonic OC
  496. Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray
  497. Entire Lineup of LA Kings From NHL ’95 For The Sega Genesis
  498. A Guy With Three Hands Holding an N64 Controller
  499. The Next Porn Star Who Tries To Become A Mainstream Actress
  500. George Soros
  501. Jazz Hand
  502. Gratuitous Girl In A Thong
  503. My Dad
  504. Spumpy
  505. Musical Guest Janelle Monae
  506. Brian Michael Bendis
  507. Arthur from the cartoon Arthur
  508. Those Creatures That Look Like Dicks You Made In Spore
  509. Hypothermic Ice Climbers
  510. A Virtual Boy
  511. Shovel Knight
  512. Mama Luigi
  513. Fi
  514. Flex Armstrong
  515. Toon Snake
  516. Crystal Clear Pepsi
  517. June 1998 Copy of Nintendo Power
  518. Uwe boll looking for a new movie idea
  519. NRA Spokeswoman Dana Loesch
  520. Wii Fit Slacker
  521. Larry the Cucumber
  522. Calvin Peeing on SEGA
  523. The band Save Ferris
  524. Fine, Sub-Zero, Stop E-mailing Us
  525. Dwayne Hector Elizando Mountain Dew Camacho
  526. Zergling
  527. Rupert Murdoch
  528. A NYPD Officer who nods at you when he sees your Cro Mags shirt
  529. Garth Brooks & Chris Gaines
  530. Internet Communist
  531. Captain Clickbait
  532. Fortnite
  533. Lucina (Marth skin)
  534. Jared Leto’s Joker
  535. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration
  536. All the sexy hedgehog drawings from Deviant Art
  537. EA’s Integrity
  538. Dr Cube from Kaiju Big Battel
  539. Bobby Flay
  540. Michael Cera as Player X (alt skin: Tobey Maguire)
  541. The Underwear Model From A Kohl’s Ad
  542. That Guy At Your Local Restaurant That Says “The Usual?” When You Come In
  543. The Dam Level From Ninja Turtles
  544. Pregnant DeviantArt Sonic
  545. Mecha King Ghidorah
  546. X-Man
  547. Raekwon the Master Chef Jr.
  548. A misunderstood nazi
  549. Samuel L. Jackson Screaming
  550. Sonichu
  551. Jake Lloyd (young anakin skywalker)
  552. Rash from Battletoads
  553. K̶e̶v̶i̶n̶ ̶S̶p̶a̶c̶e̶y̶ Christopher Plummer again
  554. Mom’s Spaghetti
  555. George W Bush from “Bush Shootout” (George W Bush skin)
  556. Method Man
  557. The Crash Bandicoot suit guy from the Pizza Hut commercials
  558. The ghost of Roger Ebert, who still insists video games aren’t art
  559. Norman Reedus
  560. Puff Daddy
  561. Goku
  562. Vegan Bowser
  563. That Kid That Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man Make After They Fuck Each Other
  564. Green Boots (Dead Body On Everest)
  565. The old man from Zelda
  566. Waluigi
  567. Bizmarckie
  568. Blink-182 Era Matt Skiba
  569. Logan Paul
  570. Rocky Balboa
  571. The Pixelated Penis In Japanese Porn
  572. Uganda knuckles
  573. Dr. Robotnik (replacing Dr. Mario)
  574. Joey from Joey’s World Tour
  575. Ernest from the Ernest movies
  576. The Racist Guy In the Movie “42”
  577. The Poems from doki doki
  578. Buzz Lightyear
  579. Drunken Step-Father
  580. Alt-Right Wario
  581. That Orca Character From Street Sharks
  582. The 1972 New York Yankees
  583. Ted Cruz With That Gun That Cooked Bacon
  584. The Merchant from Resident Evil 4
  585. Fat Suit Weird Al
  586. Goku
  587. Saibamen
  588. Divorced Ice Climbers
  589. Cap’n Crunch
  590. My Older Brother Who Will Totally Kick Your Ass!
  591. Ziggy from The Wire
  592. Koji Kondo
  593. The all new 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee
  594. Misfits-Era Glenn Danzig
  595. Nizoral anti-dandruff fungus targeting shampoo
  596. Stan from Eminem’s “Stan”
  597. The Pizza Delivery Guy Who Doesn’t Judge
  598. Mike Myers and Kanye West
  599. 501st Legion Clone Trooper
  600. Nerfed Pichu
  601. Midlife Crisis Mario
  602. The Verizon commercial guy who now works for Sprint or something
  603. Kung Lao but with Cappy
  604. Felix Biederman from Chapo Trap House
  605. The C Stick
  606. Mayor McCheese
  607. Ol’ Dirty Bastard (as Big Baby Jesus)
  608. Ajit Pai
  609. Chad Kroeger (his super smash summons Scott Stapp)
  610. Alan Thompson Jr. from the Whole Foods Front Register in White Plains, New York
  611. A Catcalling Construction Worker
  612. Lizard Person (skin for Barack Obama)
  613. Black Panther and if you don’t pick him we’re telling everyone you didn’t like Black Panther
  614. Jack Black
  615. Aunt Beru
  616. That one guy who still talks about gamergate
  617. Solid Snake’s Cardboard Box with a Labo Logo
  618. Bob Hoskins Mario
  619. Polybius Arcade Cabinet
  620. Nora Roberts
  621. Shrek
  622. Duke Nukem
  623. Arthur from the movie Arthur starring Russell Brand
  624. Gandhi
  625. Bill Maher Just Alternating Between Saying “Invisible Man In The Sky” and “The N-Word”
  626. FBI Agent Michael Scarn
  627. Tony Soprano
  628. An original press Project X Straight Edge Revenge
  629. Siri
  630. Navi
  631. Illegitimate Bowser Jr.
  632. Nintendog
  633. Freddy Krueger but when he’s the giant snake thing in Dream Warriors
  634. Henry Winkler
  635. Master Chef
  636. Palette-swapped Clones of All of the Above
  637. 75 Interchangeable Fire Emblem Characters
  638. King K Rool
  639. Lanky Kong
  640. The 7 Up Dot
  641. Joe Camel
  642. Punxatony Phil

Article by Hard Drive staff @HardDriveMag

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