Cuphead has sold more than a million copies worldwide, and you’ve logged more than 20 hours playing it, but are you having a good time? It can be very difficult to tell.
Yes, the bosses are challenging but why does your jaw hurt from excessive clenching? You can only say “The graphics are amazing” so many times before people suspect you’re dodging the real question: did you actually enjoy this experience?
Here are some helpful hints for figuring out if you’re actually enjoying Cuphead or if you’re just an electric Sisyphus compulsively pushing a digital rock uphill with your thumbs without reason or reward. Let’s find out:
Does Your TV Have a Controller-Shaped Hole in It?
If the answer is ‘No’, then congratulations! You might very well be enjoying yourself! Who knows? You’ve died eight hundred times and that 40-inch beauty is still flickering. Good work!
You’re a zen master and the worries and troubles of the mortal world are but ripples on the surface of a pond to you.
Do You Fucking HATE Cups Now?
Trust me, I GET it. You want to smash every convex shape in your house and start making your coffee in the bathroom sink and drinking it with your hands. You’ve thought about it but if you haven’t done it, then you’re probably having an alright time. This is a good sign. You’re not drinking off of plates out of spite. let’s keep going.
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Do You Wish There Was a Save Point From Before You Bought the Game?
It was only $20, but that’s money you could’ve spent on a game you could’ve actually have beaten! Like that puzzle box from the Hellraiser movies. Or a six-dimensional Rubik’s Cube. Instead here you are staring for hours at stylish Max Fleischer style characters, on the same beautifully hand-painted water color backgrounds and being mocked by jazz. Or are you a sadist who loves being constantly reminded that you’re not good enough?
Have You Just Awoken Naked in the Forest Next to the Bloody Corpse of a Baby Deer With No Memory of How You Got There?
Okay, if so, you’re either a Werewolf or you’ve just completely had a rage-out after dying for the 900th time trying to hit a cartoon sea captain with arrows from your finger. Either way, you’re gonna have to jog back into town covering your junk with an evergreen branch.
But see? You’re not a lab rat endlessly pressing a cocaine pedal. You’ve got Free Will and you’re exercising it by endlessly dying in a game AND LOVING IT. Nobody owns you and this dead deer is proof of your mastery over your world. You can stop anytime you want to! So get back out there and throw yourself into the teeth of fate like the digital lemming you are.
Also, you’re gonna need to find the wizard who did this to you and get them a real nice card because you fucked up somewhere.