If I’m Going to Save Your Village From Certain Doom, the Least You Could Do Is Honor the Deal I Got on Kayak

 

I think what we have here is a simple misunderstanding. You run a business. I get that. In fact, I appreciate it. But a deal’s a deal. Whether I get it on a third-party aggregate site should be of no concern.

Let’s face facts: I’m here to slay a demon overlord and save your children—is that one of them over there? Hi to you too, sweetie! I’ll do my best to bring down that big monster lurking ominously over your city, if I can just find a place to get some rest first. I’m trying to keep her from being swallowed whole like a human hors d’oeuvre, not that you know what that is you backwoods prick.

I’m sorry. That was out of line.

Seriously, though. You’ll sustain a loss of what, 10 Gil? I, meanwhile, have been slaying green slimes for the past seven hours to gain enough experience to fight that floating monstrosity rapidly approaching the shithole you call home.

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Not to complain or anything but I am pretty sure one of those slimes threw up on me or something because my body is stinging like a son of a bitch and it won’t get better until I can lie down and recover. So let’s call it even, shall we?

No?! What do you mean ‘No’?!

OK, listen. I’ll trade you some of my items for a discount. I have some Steel Greaves, plus an Enchanted Talisman that provides the wearer a +2 ATK boost. How about that?

45 Gil?! Are you nuts?! I rode on a schooner for two weeks over a goddamn ocean, defending the ship from a hydra with five fucking heads—that’s right, count ‘em: one, two, three, four, five!—to come save you from imminent destruction and you can only spot me 5. FUCKING. GIL?!

I don’t need this shit. Good luck. You’re all going to need it. I’ll go save the next village that actual honors the deals it posts online.

Before I leave, though—do you have any antidote I could use? This slime piss or whatever burns like hell and the item shop refuses to accept the voucher I got on Groupon.

Article by Chuck Kowalski.

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