Nice Guy Stuck in Boyfriend-Zone

AUSTIN, Texas — All-around nice guy Ken Ludlow has reportedly found himself in another long-term relationship with a woman despite his wanting to “just be friends,” sources close to the unlucky-in-love man confirmed.

“I wish women would understand that I have a lot more to offer than unconditional love, shredded abs, loyalty, and sexual satisfaction,” Ludlow said. “I’m also very fun just to hang out with. I give great hugs, as well as objective advice on other guys they could date.”

Ludlow claimed that, upon joining a social dodgeball league, any attempts he made for casual “friend-hangs” were somehow transformed into plans for Saturday dinners at five-star restaurants, or holiday weekend getaways involving the date’s parents.

“Ken recently told me that he wishes he could just once ‘experience the swift band-aid rip of rejection,’ and that he’s ‘so totally sick of nice guys finishing first,’” said close friend and confidant Bruce Harten, of Ludlow’s cries of desperation. “He even founded a subreddit called /r/bluepill, where he shares tactics on getting women to ignore his desirability.”

Despite his good qualities, Ludlow insisted he is not boyfriend material.

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“Girls just don’t appreciate my mundane, uninspiring quirks,” said Ludlow. “Of course I’m a great listener who gives amazing, unsolicited backrubs, and, yes, I’d make a great father. But do they realize that sometimes, I just play video games for six hours straight, or get wasted in my apartment by myself? No. They don’t even try to see that side of me.”

Ludlow’s past girlfriends confirmed that maintaining a platonic relationship is nearly impossible.

“Hell, most women don’t even bat an eyelash when they find out that Ken fronts a pop-punk band, in which he writes scathing diatribes of all the women who lovingly accept him for who he is,” said ex-girlfriend Lisa Steiner. “The only reason we broke up was because he took a job out-of-state helping disabled animals, and I just wasn’t ready to move in with somebody.”

At press time, Ludlow was engaged to marry a woman he met in an elevator when he asked her about the time.

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Photo by Anya Volz @AnyaVolz.


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