THE SUBURBS — Your mother left you a stern voicemail this morning, reminding you that if you want to participate in this week’s holiday festivities, you’re going to have to bring some people, sources confirmed.
Featured guests at the Thanksgiving feast include your brother and his family making the drive down from New Jersey, who are slated for the best spot at the table, right next to the turkey. Your mother’s message did clarify that there was room for “one or two locals,” however.
“I’m a little hesitant to book you, honestly, since you and Travis kind of bring the same thing to the table and I’m trying to get some diversity on the lineup,” she continued. “But if you can bring a new girlfriend and her parents, we can definitely talk.”
The message was merely the latest in a string of increasingly strict parameters your mother has set to earn holiday participation, you report. Earlier this year, you were seen handing out flyers for her Independence Day celebration, not long after she insisted you make a full Instagram story about her Memorial Day cookout.
- Thanksgiving Dinner Delayed 20 Minutes As Frontman Shouts Out Everyone He’s Thankful For
- Club Booker Needs You to Bring Ten of Your Friends to His Dad’s Funeral
- Family Prepares for Another Horrible Thanksgiving With Vegan Punk Son
With exposure to wealthy grandparents at its highest, spots at the family table for Thanksgiving feasts across the country have been increasingly difficult to book.
“These holiday house venues are often small, sometimes only fitting 12 to 16 people if it’s an all ages dinner,” said Thanksgiving dinner expert Henry Robson. “These days, you can’t just show up to your parents’ place with a pie you bought at a Stop and Shop. You’re going to have go all-out and prove you can bring something more.”
Though demanding, the message allegedly ended with a change of heart.
“OK, look: even if you don’t sell the tickets, I’m sure we’ll have room for you — just don’t tell anyone I told you that. And I can’t let you sell any merch; the kids are gonna be using the table,” the message said. “Love you. Talk soon.”
Head over to our online store and pick up a shirt right now: