CITY OF DIS, Hell — 78 percent of demons across the Netherworld experienced feelings of low self-esteem and body issues when subjected to the unrealistic depictions of evil portrayed on heavy metal album art, according to a new study released this morning.
Some claim young metalheads on Earth’s mortal plane have also been affected by artist renditions of the demon form.
“If I’m going to sell my soul, I don’t want it to be just any demon. It’s gotta have a sexy body, with gigantic demon boobs, and maybe a super-long snake tongue or something,” said local metalhead Jack Papolio. “My friend Pete summoned a demon, and the thing was really overweight and leaked pus all over his bedroom. It still smells like sulfur in there on hot days. Those aren’t the demons I want to spend eternity with.”
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Many demons are calling out for a change in the industry. Bufo Braxx, a retired model for Hieronymus Bosch, is leading the campaign.
“What disturbs me most is how narrow the vision of the ideal demon has changed since I retired from torturing the damned,” said Braxx, atop a throne made of flaming skulls. “We need all forms of demon bodies represented in the heavy metal community — like demon bodies that spew curdled milk from their armpits, or even demon bodies that have an angler fish for a torso.”
The report comes on the heels of complaints by living corpses, tired of expectations to look like the longtime Iron Maiden mascot, Eddie.
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Article by Rob Steinberg.