ATLANTA — Georgia man Scott Stevens claimed today that the festival he’s attending has somehow prevented him from showering since Wednesday, despite the festival being only nine hours long, close friends disgustedly confirmed.
“I was embarrassed to be seen with him, to be perfectly honest,” said longtime friend Marie Stusser. “I just wanted to find a nice patch of grass for hula hooping, but I didn’t want him around me. People might think I picked up a drifter who sleeps in a swamp.”
The group allegedly arrived separately, planning to meet up at Project Pabst, the one-day music fest. However, the extremely filthy and disheveled Stevens was there early, inexplicably complaining about the lack of facilities available.
“Everyone knows one of the worst things about festivals is giving up the creature comforts of ‘normie’ life, but at the end of the day, it’s all worth it to me,” Stevens explained. “If I have to wear the same underwear all week, so be it. I knew what I was getting myself into when I bought the ticket.”
Festival veterans were quick to defend Stevens’ poor hygiene.
“Listen, we’re all out there doing the best we can,” said self-proclaimed festival expert Reggie St. Clair. “I’ve been forced to spend hundreds of dollars on pizza, soda, and beer, and I haven’t called my wife in five days, but what’re you gonna do? It’s a fest. You just have to endure certain things in here.”
Endorsements notwithstanding, Stevens’ bizarre insistence that the festival prevented him from showering has not only perplexed those around him, but angered them as well.
“The not-showering isn’t even what bothers me — three days really isn’t that long,” said friend Monse De Luna. “It’s just the way he hopes we ‘don’t have another Fyre Fest situation on our hands’ that really makes me want to punch him in the face. Or just leave, actually, because we totally can, at any time. I can see where I parked my car.”
At press time, Stevens was creating a makeshift sign out of cardboard to help him hitchhike back to his apartment less than half a mile from festival grounds.