Definition of Punk Found in Ancient Manuscript

DEIR EL-MEDINA, Egypt – A topic of heated debate in most middle schools and message boards might finally be resolved as researchers say they have found an ancient manuscript with the first ever definition of “punk.”

The definition was thought to be lost with time, leaving many to wildly speculate what “punk” means and how it should affect their daily lives.

Archaeologists from Columbia University made the startling discovery in the hills of an isolated Egyptian village, far from where most people think punk originated.

Head researcher Florence Gaines was on site when the discovery was made.

“We were excavating a new site when we found this tomb with ancient markings we didn’t recognize. At first we thought it may be a joke because it looked so silly with its crude drawings of people with wild hair cuts and facial modifications. But when we opened it up, we knew just by the smell that we had something special.”

The manuscript has not been fully translated yet, due to poor hand writing and inconsistencies in spelling. However, Gaines was willing to fill us in on some of the early findings, “In what we would consider the margins of the document, someone had carved in what loosely translated to ‘Not my Pharaoh’ and a symbol for ‘lawlessness’ much like the modern day anarchy symbol.”

A researcher holds a copy of what might be the very first zine.
A researcher holds a copy of what might be the very first zine.

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The news of this discovery could not come at a better time, as the punk community continues its infighting on what it means to be punk. Analysts expect this new definition to settle disputes between 7th graders and regressive adult punks worldwide.

Update: A team of researchers at a separate dig site have found a definition of punk they say is dated a full three years earlier making it the oldest and, therefore, most valid definition on record.

Words by The Hard Times Staff.

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