TUCSON, Ariz. – Members of the Tucson punk scene were saddened earlier today, as local punk mainstay and style icon John “The Don” Bergeron lost his battle with comfortable clothing Sunday morning. He was 34.
“He fought. He really fought,” sniffled longtime friend Joey Staples. “Every time he finagled himself into his favorite pair of riveted, floss-sewn, bondage franken-pants, I could tell it took just a little bit more out of him.”
Friends and family discovered Bergeron succumbed to well-fitting clothes when he was seen in what appeared to be a pair of slim-fit slacks from Old Navy and a loose, knit sweater, an outfit which was not only sensible for the weather, but took less than 5 minutes to assemble.
“I get why everyone is sad. We all put a lot of time and hard work into sewing patches on my jackets and pants,” said Bergeron, displaying a full range of motion is his legs. “But it just became annoying. I sweat a lot more now for some reason, and those clothes were just so restrictive. Turns out wearing leather pants at the gym leads to a lot of chafing.”
Bergeron, whose legendary wardrobe once consisted of ratty, cheese-cloth-esque band shirts and a hybrid leather/denim jacket held together by industrial safety pins and Shoe-Goo, could feel his time in form-fitting clothing was drawing to an end for months.
“It started last year, when I was at Costco with my girlfriend and we walked by the sweatpants,” he said. “They were calling to me like… like if I just let go, I could finally be welcomed into the sweet relief of comfort.”
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He is survived by his family, girlfriend Jenni, and a pair of calf-high pleather combat boots. Some left behind by Bergeron’s passing have expressed anger along with their grief.
“You think I want to wear all this shit? You see these Docs on my feet? I would rather be dead then put a Dr. Scholl’s insert in them,” said Staples, sweating heavily but refusing to remove his heavily studded jacket. “It’s a rad-as-shit burden. I just can’t believe he left us like this. Rest in piss — fucking sellout.”
UPDATE: A private ceremony will be held at the local clothing consignment. Bergeron’s family asks that those who wish to contribute consider a donation of used bondage and bullet belts.