Bored Girlfriend at Show Makes Daring Escape in Box of Merch

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AUSTIN, Texas — Natalie Gladstone successfully completed a daring escape from her boyfriend’s show last night, sneaking out of the event inside of a box containing another band’s merchandise, according to multiple sources.

Dave Belfort, frontman for local band Ellen Degenerates and Gladstone’s boyfriend of two years, realized his non-punk girlfriend was missing soon after his set. Headlining band The Fuzz left for their next tour stop completely unaware of the extra passenger hidden in their box of t-shirts.

Friends of Gladstone say she increasingly referred to her relationship with Belfort in a cryptic manner as of late.

“She’d talk about how ‘when you first date a musician, it’s so cool,’ but then it’s just sitting at practices and merch tables show after show,” said longtime friend Julie Brant. “I guess the days and gigs all blurred together after a while. She once claimed she’d ‘lose her mind’ if she heard them do the same Suicidal Tendencies cover one more time. I’m glad she made it out. These places will ruin a person. And by ‘places,’ I mean ‘shows.’ Just to clarify.”

The escape was allegedly the latest attempt by Gladstone to get away from Belfort and life dating a “prick, go-nowhere, loser” musician. “I caught her trying to run away once before, when I took her to the fair. She was missing for three hours and said she got in the wrong van, but we didn’t take the van that night!” he said. “Would have been a bummer if she got away, since she was helping us fold 7″ covers for 5 hours later that night and it was an all hands on deck situation.”

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Members of The Fuzz checked their trailer after learning of their inadvertent smuggling but said Gladstone was gone, leaving only a discarded wristband and bottle of La Croix.

“Someone was clearly in our box of XL shirts — there were little air holes poked in the side and part of a sandwich,” said Blake Kennedy, bassist of the Fuzz. “If you see a woman wearing a giant shirt with our logo on it, maybe tell the authorities she’s missing? And that she stole one of our shirts?”

“All we found was a giant hole behind the Dead Kennedys poster,” said a dejected Belfort while checking for clues in Ellen Degenerate’s practice space. “I’m surprised Natalie never noticed that. She spent three nights a week sitting right by it.”

Article and photo by Mark Roebuck @mark_roebuck.

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