WASHINGTON D.C. – After cell phone footage of Malia Obama, codename “Radiance,” enjoying herself at Lollapalooza surfaced online, 38-year-old Secret Service Agent Ted Hogan began leaving subtle clues around the White House to convince the first daughter that attending an Iron Maiden concert might be a fun experience.
“At approximately 17:00 hours I accompanied Radiance to a popular music gathering for teens and pot smokers called Lollapalooza,” Hogan wrote in his official report. “Radiance enjoyed the musical styles of a gentleman named Mac Miller. However, the musical style is not one I prefer and I hope that the next concert Radiance chooses to attend has wild theatrics, and Bruce Dickinson as a frontman.”
For the past week Hogan has continually hummed the tune of “Run to the Hills” while in the presence of Obama, and left the DVD of “Live After Death” on the White House coffee table.
“I am hoping that for once she will ask my opinion on what we want to do. It seems we always do whatever she wants. This is a partnership and she never asks my opinion. I just try to never complain when she wants to go to the Smithsonian or the Museum of Natural History, but I do find them very boring,” said Hogan while scanning the room.
Hogan has served the Obama family for the past eight years and was specifically assigned to escort and protect Malia Obama at any social gathering for the last two years.
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“At approximately 19:00 hours on the 26th of May I escorted Radiance to her prom and I can tell you with certainty that the DJ had no musical taste whatsoever,” Hogan wrote in his recently released book exposed Malia’s poor taste in music. “He played Cotton Eyed Joe twice and repeatedly ignored my request for just a single Guns ‘n’ Roses song, instead opting for songs in which the patrons in attendance could bump and grind. I would not recommend this DJ.”
As of press time Hogan has reportedly filed paperwork to switch his detail to the youngest Obama daughter Sasha, after he had learned she recently procured backstage passes to an upcoming Manowar concert.